Loving my son for exactly who he is
By Sissy15
@sissy15 (12300)
United States
January 13, 2023 10:28pm CST
When I had my son I remember thinking I'd do anything in the world to make sure he has the life he deserves. I remember having all these hopes and dreams for him. I wanted so much for him and that really hasn't changed. What has changed is the realization that he doesn't want the same things I want for him. He isn't like a lot of his same-age peers. He is in some ways but not in a lot of other ways. He loves video games and Pokemon and while I understand it's completely normal to not be a sports kid there are just things his friends do that he'll probably never be able to do or enjoy and I've come to accept that.
Most kids love going to sports games even if they don't actually like the sport just because it's better than school. My son isn't one of those kids. He has sensory issues and sporting events are so loud and he completely melts down. It's heartbreaking that he misses out on so much. I just want him to be able to go to games and hang out with his friends but he won't be able to. He probably won't get to go to friends houses either because of anxiety among other things. I often feel like he's missing out but I've come to accept that this is how things are and that's ok. He doesn't want the same things I want for him and that's ok.
Learning to let go was hard. Learning to let him be him has been hard because when he was born I envisioned all of these great things for him and he doesn't want any of them. I've learned to accept and be ok with that. He doesn't have to want those things. He can enjoy the things he enjoys even if they are different from kids his age. He doesn't have to be like them. My goals and expectations have changed for him and little things have become big things.
Him making it through a choir concert without melting down due to the loudness was a huge milestone recently. Having him decide to stay with something that he found hard was another big thing. My son always wants to quit anything he sees as hard and that's one I've worked on with him a lot over the years. He wants to do things but the minute they get hard he wants nothing to do with it and I started making him stick with things long enough to be able to tell if he actually enjoys them or not. He thinks things should come easily and when they don't he decides he is done and I don't allow that. I don't force him to do things but when he asks to do something I always tell him if it's hard he has to stay with it for a certain amount of time whether he likes it or not. I don't want him to be miserable but I also don't want him to think it's ok to quit things the second they get hard.
I encourage him to try new things but never force it. I just want him to find something he really enjoys. He says he isn't good at anything but he also has never tried enough things to know this. We know sports aren't his thing. He enjoys playing with his friends sometimes but hates competition and has no desire to play sports on a team. We have found out there are some he isn't bad at but when we suggest he try it on a team he always tells us no. I do wish he'd try more things but I'll never force him.
I just want for him to find something other than video games to really get into. I want him to be outside more just so he can get out and exercise and get air. He likes scouting but at the same time he hates meetings half the time because he feels it interferes with his free time he hates that he doesn't get as much time to himself during the week and I told him he can't have it both ways and that sometimes doing things you enjoy is worth wasting some free time especially if it means getting to hang out with your friends and have fun.
I found out recently he did enjoy the hike he did to Hell Michigan this winter. It was freezing but he loved it which really surprised me. I don't like him doing night trips because he always ends up sick because of anxiety and has to leave. I'd love for him to be able to do a campout on his own without him freaking out. Advancement is going to be hard for him due to so many of the requirements being things that are difficult for him. It's just tough for him.
For everything that is difficult for him though he has so many other things going for him. He's kind, empathetic, caring, sweet, funny, friendly, smart, and seems to make friends easily. He isn't super popular but he has a lot of friends. I've learned to accept that he is different but who isn't? Tell me one child who is exactly like another? Even identical twins are different. It's so easy to have all of these dreams for your child but if your child doesn't want them you need to learn what it is your child does want and be ok with it. Forcing children to do things they hate isn't going to make them into better people it's going to make it so they don't trust you. I want my son to know he can tell me things. I will always be his parent first but he also knows no matter what I love him and there's nothing he could do that would change that.
Being a parent is hard but the sooner we learn to let them be who they are and ignore the comments from people who have no idea who your child is or what you have been through with them the easier it gets. It will never really be easy but it saves a lot of anger and heartache when you can just let go and love your child for who they are. Stop trying to force them to be someone they aren't. My son hates sports, he hates the things a lot of kids his age love, he isn't "neurotypical" or whatever that means (Yes I know what it means), he is who he is and I make no apologies for him. He has emotional control issues (not anger he is quick to cry), he melts down when he is overwhelmed via sensory things or just because things are hard that may not be hard to his classmates but guess what? The flip side is he is the sweetest most caring kid you'll probably meet. He genuinely wants to make things better. He may not be great at sports or the most high-achieving person in the world but he is going to make a difference in this world. If for no other reason than he knows what it's like to feel so much and not want others to feel that way. I have made a child who is going to make a difference because of HIS differences. He isn't desensitized to the horrible things happening in the world. He isn't allowed to watch the news because he freaks out over all the bad things happening. He isn't oblivious to bad things happening but he doesn't need it constantly shoved in his head to the point he can't calm down because he's worried about people he doesn't even know. I had to turn the amber alert notices off his phone because he won't go back to sleep until he hears something about them. He just cares so much and while that's a blessing and a curse that is who he is and I love him for it.
I don't know what his future will hold but I promise you the world will be a better place because of him. I'm working with him on letting some things go because if he's always worried about people he'll never be able to calm down but the point is he is always going to care. He's going to do good things because he wants to help people. He isn't oblivious to the fact that some people are bad and take advantage of situations but I do know he is going to find a way to help those that really need it. Those things that make things hard on him right now are eventually going to be things that he learns to use to help others. I've learned to accept who he is and the things he'll never want but I've also learned that who he is, is also pretty amazing even if things seem hard at times. He wouldn't be him without those things.
23 people like this
18 responses
@moffittjc (121656)
• Gainesville, Florida
14 Jan 23
You wrote from your heart what almost every one of us parents think and feel. Thanks for putting it to words. One of the hardest things of being a parent is realizing that our children are not exactly the same as us, and don't necessarily want the same things out of life that we do. Sometimes we get stuck in the rut of wanting to live our lives vicariously through our children, and that's not fair to them. They need to live their own lives and learn what makes them who they are. It's hard to let go.
I will admit I pushed my own two kids, but not to the point where I drove them away. I've always wanted them to experience as many things in life as they could just so they could learn what they are passionate about. I signed my kids up for sports, but told them if they didn't like it they could stop after the current season. I've always promoted to them that you finish what you start, even if you don't like it or aren't comfortable with it. I didn't want my kids to be labeled or considered quitters. There were many things they tried and didn't like, and many things they tried and loved. I always encouraged them to pursue what they were passionate about, even if it was something I didn't like.
By the way, my son--who is avid into computers--loves camping and the great outdoors. He said it is relaxing, calming and a great escape from the electronically connected world we live in today. Maybe your son, with his anxiety and sensory overload, would enjoy the great outdoors as a great way to escape the loudness of every day life.
8 people like this
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
14 Jan 23
Thank you, I think it's natural to want things for our children. Sometimes they need a small push. I signed my son up for soccer when he was three and four and we found out it wasn't his thing and after that we never pressured him but sometimes they need to try things to decide it isn't for them. When they're little and can't always tell you what they enjoy that's the only way we can learn. I feel like it's important to teach them to stick things out. They need to learn they can't quit everything they start to find hard or unenjoyable because sometimes it starts off hard but then they can get better at it or learn to enjoy it. My son learned that this year with choir I think. He decided on his own he wanted to stick it out despite how hard of a time he was having due to all of his sensory issues but learned it wasn't so bad and he made some friends. I made sure he knew how proud of him I was that he made that decision on his own.
My son has been in scouts since he was six and now he is twelve. We have tried camping and he has so much anxiety that despite maybe loving being outside he starts freaking out. In scouting, they have rules that adults can't be in the tent with the kids not even parents and that makes it rough. They have the adult rule due to some lawsuits and parents it's just because they want to teach boys to be more independent. We have camped in the backyard and he enjoyed that but to go anywhere else and do it is rough for him. He loves hiking and being out in nature but overnight stuff is rough due to his anxiety. I think i may need to try and get an actual camping spot somewhere and try it with him again. I just know to go without us would be hard on him.
5 people like this
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
18 Jan 23
@moffittjc Scouts has been amazing for my son which is why he has been in it since the first grade and is now in sixth grade. I wouldn't say scouting isn't fun anymore but it is definitely more challenging doing some things. His anxiety isn't from being in scouts but from doing some things that they do that he isn't ready for. He plans on doing more hiking trips with his troop in the future. I think just the overnight stuff is going to be difficult for him right now which makes rising in the ranks difficult for him. He loves our hiking trips we have done as a family. We have a nature preserve nearby that we like going to and he loves it there.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (121656)
• Gainesville, Florida
15 Jan 23
@sissy15 I, too, was in Scouts and it was a life-changer for me in a positive way. They teach boys so much about life in general, and not just about camping. But things have changed, and due to a few bad elements, there are so many rules for Scouting now that it almost makes it not fun. I can see where he would have anxiety from being in Scouts. And I can also see where he would have anxiety about camping overnight. But that doesn't mean he can't enjoy nature and the great outdoors. If hiking soothes and calms him, then I think it is something he should do more frequently. It has been proven that nature has a calming effect on humans, even so much that staring out a window at trees can do wonders for the body.
1 person likes this
@1creekgirl (41686)
• United States
14 Jan 23
That was such an amazing post. You sound like a wonderful mother who loves and wants the very best for her child. I think you're wise to encourage your son to not give up so quickly when something is hard, but you love and support him for who he is.
5 people like this
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
14 Jan 23
Thank you, I try but like anyone I don't always hit the mark and make mistakes along the way but that's part of parenting. He has come a long way and this year he made me so proud when he wanted to stick out choir despite finding it hard and he is starting to enjoy it.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40316)
• Laguna Woods, California
14 Jan 23
As the mother of four daughters, and the grandmother of eight very unique grandkids, I love what you wrote. We have to let them each be the person they are meant to be. We cannot force our family members into molds that do not fit them. There is a reason why they were born the way they are, and we have to accept that. All we can offer them is the opportunity to learn and experience different things, so they can decide for themselves what they like and do not like.
2 people like this
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
18 Jan 23
Thank you, and you're right. Giving opportunities helps them learn and figure out what they like and what they don't and as long as we aren't forcing but encouraging them that's the best way for them to grow into who they are meant to be by letting them figure things out with our support.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40316)
• Laguna Woods, California
18 Jan 23
@sissy15 - Thank you. One of our grandsons is in college, and he keeps changing his college major from business, to engineering and, now, to cyber security. I think he is just trying to find his way. Eventually, he will discover what is right for him.
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
18 Jan 23
Thank you, I definitely try and help him the best way I can but he does have it rough in some areas but he knows he could have it a lot worse so he is also super grateful for what he does have even if things can be difficult at times. He understands some things will always be a challenge for him and he hates how tough that is but we talk it out a lot and how he can do hard things.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
14 Jan 23
I remember when I read one of your first posts how you hooked me in. I still enjoy reading about your son and your family.
Your son has come far and with your guidance and support will go further. He knows what he will be happy doing. Your acceptance of his wishes are honorable.
With Little Miss I encourage her to do sports, but she always says she isn't good enough. I ask her if she likes to play and she says no. But I will ask her every year if she would like to sign up and hope she may change her mind. If she doesn't want to do it I will not push her.
She is showing interest in playing an instrument and being in the school choir. All of my children were active in band and/or chorus. Her mother and aunt played clarinet and have said they would help her with it. She has to be in 3rd grade to participate so we wait another year.
Although we have never met I feel close to you and your son. Give him a hug for me.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45940)
• United States
18 Jan 23
@sissy15 anything she chooses I will fully support her.
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
18 Jan 23
Thank you, I always just try to make sure he is a good person and let the rest fall into place. I don't care what career path he goes down as long as he is happy and not getting into trouble.
Some kids just aren't sports kids my son definitely isn't. It's possible she'll love playing an instrument or maybe she'll be like my son who thought he wanted to play one and then found it too hard so he ended up hating it. It just depends on the kid. They don't offer band at elementary age here they did when I was a kid but they changed it to be able to take orchestra in fifth grade. My son played violin for a year and hated every second of it. He now does choir and is learning to like it. Having the sensory issues he does means it can be a bit much for him at times. Each kid is different and has their own interests and I'm sure she'll figure out what it is she wants to do soon enough.
Thank you, I will.
1 person likes this
@RasmaSandra (80635)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
14 Jan 23
You certainly are a mom who cares and I am sure your son knows this and loves you. I think the best way he can be helped is to suggest to him some careers that involve helping people. Then the two of you together can look up the information on the net and make notes and then make informed decisions about what the right path to take is,
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
18 Jan 23
Thank you, I care a lot about him and you're right he does know and he tells me he loves me every day multiple times a day. He knows what he wants to do and I have always encouraged him. He wants to be a scientist. He is debating what type but he loves marine biology and he'd love to help sea life.
1 person likes this
@RasmaSandra (80635)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
18 Jan 23
@sissy15 I think marine biology is an excellent choice
@akalinus (43332)
• United States
24 Jan 23
I'm glad you love him the way he is. That is the only way he can grow and change. I would say to expose him to a variety of activities and experiences. Who knows? He may really catch on to something that he sees, hears, or feels along the way and have a new activity. If not, just love him anyway!
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
25 Jan 23
I have, he has done a lot of things over the years which is how we know what he does and doesn't like. He has done soccer, T-ball, played violin, been in scouting since he was six, have done various day camps with him, is currently in choir, We follow his interests and try to encourage other things along the way. He really has a handle on what he does and does not like. He likes to draw, play video games, make up stories, go on hikes, make up stories, and he enjoys playing board games and especially likes chess.
@andriaperry (117130)
• Anniston, Alabama
14 Jan 23
Someday he may be a game programmer/ developer. Many work alone and at their own speed. Ask him what he wants to be when he grows up.
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
14 Jan 23
Thank you, and I know he has been working on some programming but just small stuff. We have always supported his interests. We have bought him some programming stuff but I don't know that he fully understands it and once again if it's hard he wants to quit which is probably why he has stopped playing with the robot we got him. He has wanted to be a scientist since he was in first grade. As much as he loves playing on computers and video games I don't think he likes the programming side at least not right now. He loves rocks and ocean life. He can tell you all about a lot of science things. He's almost like a science encyclopedia at times.
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
18 Jan 23
@BearArtistLady I've always encouraged his love of science and anything else he is into. He has more books than most. I buy him books on all of the things he loves including video games. He has books on rocks he has books on marine life and he has books on his favorite video games. I have always tried to encourage him to do the things he loves.
It's great that you saved a cat...although I always thought it was common sense not to give your cat an aspirin I guess some people don't know that. I always thought most people knew that cats are very different from humans and can't have all of the same stuff we do. I never give my cats anything unless I know for sure it is safe.
Different people do know different things. It's one of the things I often tell the kids I work with is to never underestimate someone because they know something you don't. I work with an autistic kid and while he isn't the best academically he can spell words a lot of the kids in our classroom can't and he can tell you a ton about the areas he is interested in. He knows how to say police in German and he knows the colors of the German flag and he also knows how to spell things like sheriff and Chicago Police Department. I tell them just because he doesn't always seem to understand what we are learning about doesn't mean he doesn't know things. I drill that into them. I want people to understand that there's always something they know that we don't. I also always encourage them to look things up and ask questions. I have always done that for my son too. I have always loved learning and have always looked things up when I was curious and I've always encouraged my son to do the same.
@BearArtistLady (6036)
• United States
15 Jan 23
@sissy15 Encourage his love of science and ocean and rocks. There is still a lot to be discovered and learned about those areas, and he has a huge area that he can explore and discover information about. I am the same way about programming computers, in fact there are times that I'm not too fond of computers either. I have a lot of cashiers laughing at me because of my talking back to the computer system and telling it off because it is giving me problems about my debit card. Then I, on the other hand, love my computerized embroidery sewing machine, as it has computer cards that I insert, push a button and can embroider designs that would take days to complete in just minutes.
Anyhow, do what you can to encourage his interest in science. I love the fact that he is almost like a science encyclopedia. There are various areas that I have interest in that I read up on and my neighbors come to me for information on the subject when they are stumped. They are especially in awe with the amount of information that I can provide them with when it comes to dealing with their cats. One of them was about to give their cat an aspirin because the cat was presumed to be in pain. I stepped in and stopped them in time and saved the cat's life. I took the aspirin away from the woman and told her that giving the pill to the cat would kill the cat. I was able to tell her why and provide an alternative to reduce the presumed pain that she thought the cat was suffering from. Now I am the "Go-To" cat treatment person if they can't get to the vet fast enough. That's from all the reading I have done about cats. My mom fueled my desire to learn and would buy me all the books I needed on whatever subject I was interested in.
@YrNemo (20255)
•
14 Jan 23
I once read an article about a mother who asked others, what should she do when her son has repeatedly shown signs of being a sociopath. I read and felt very sad, because as parents, there are things which are completely out of our control like how our kids choose to live their lives.
2 people like this
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
14 Jan 23
Sadly that happens sometimes. We can raise them the best we know how but eventually the rest is on them. I have an older brother who went down the completely wrong path despite everything my mother has tried to do to help him but his life choices are his own. She has always enabled him though because she loves him and can't seem to tell him no but growing up she did her best to raise him right. The rest of us turned out ok but for whatever reason, he just can't get his life together. It just happens sometimes.
2 people like this
@BearArtistLady (6036)
• United States
15 Jan 23
Your son sounds so much like me! My parents pushed me to be what "they" wanted me to be, they didn't respect what I wanted to be. I love arts and crafts and especially music. They wanted me to enter the world of finance and become a high paid executive after graduating from college. I wanted to pursue a life of arts. They constantly hounded me to attend college and graduated and got a huge paying job. They didn't understand my caring so much for other people, animals and the world. They didn't understand me at all, and made it well known that they didn't understand. It wasn't until I moved in with my mother that she admitted that she admired me for going my own way and following my own path and doing what I wanted.
I am very much like your son and cannot watch the news. I cannot see people in trouble and not know if they are okay or not. The same goes for the situation with animals. I reach out as much as I can to help others and help them when I can. I just recently gave a homeless woman my warm coat on a very cold day, she only had a thin shirt to wear. She didn't have a purse and she was carrying her important papers (her ID and other paperwork) in her hand, so I gave her a bag and a wallet to hold her things and papers. I gave her some money to pay for some food and I paid her bus fare to the homeless shelter. I would have taken her in to my home if my lease would have allowed it. Your son was placed on this earth to not only change many things that were going on, but to also teach others to reach out to help others and accept them as they are. He is a very special person, and you are very special in the way you are teaching him that if things are getting a bit difficult "don't give up" right away, keep at them until you're sure that you can't complete and continue the undertaking.
Give your son an extra hug from me. He is so special, and I admire him so very very much. Just as I admire you more than words can express for your teaching him and having him continue with an activity until he is sure that it is too much for him to complete. I hope you'll keep us updated on his progress. L & H's to your both.
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
18 Jan 23
I'm sorry that you had parents who didn't understand you but I'm so glad you turned out the way you did despite it all. Sometimes parents push what they want for their children onto their children because they do want what is best for them not realizing that it's hurting more than helping. It's great that you are the way you are. Thank you, I hope that he turns into the kind of person I know he can be. I don't measure success in money but in who someone is as a person. I'd rather my son be poor and kind than rich and horrible. I do hope he doesn't have financial struggles for his own mental sake but I know he is going to be a kind person and that matters more to me than him making a lot of money.
1 person likes this
@BearArtistLady (6036)
• United States
11 Feb 23
@sissy15 I have to add a comment about not liking sports and exercise. I nearly flunked out of gym in High School because of the gymnastics part. I am terrified of heights and freak out when I get off the floor. My instructor insisted that I climb the rope to try to get to the top. I got three feet off the ground and fell off. Then there were the parallel bars. I never did conquer them. Finally the "coach" got me to the balance beam. She had me try to do a fancy mount that she saw during the Olympics. The girl would put both hands on the beam, lift herself up, straddle the beam, do a kneeling fancy climb up and then do the rest of the routine. I would get to the part of straddling the beam and wind up hanging there like a possum. She finally had me climb up (with tons of help from the other gymnastically inclined girls). I took one step and froze. The coach kept telling me to "Just jump down". I couldn't do it. She finally went and got one of the men's gym coaches. He came strutting up and wrapped his arms around my legs and started to lift me down. I went berserk and started scratching the top of his bald head. By the time he got me to the floor his head looked like hamburger. He had to go to the nurses office and I was sent to the showers. The rest of the time in gym "IF" I had to get off the floor I didn't have to do it.
Don't worry about how your son will turn out. He is already setting his destiny with his kindness. He sounds like he has the soul of an artist, he just needs to find the right venue to express his talent. I turned into an artist which didn't really please my parents because they really wanted me to make a lot of money. They finally had to accept the fact that I was happier being not so affluent and being an artist than being rich and a snob.
@GardenGerty (160879)
• United States
15 Jan 23
There are many ways to enjoy life and leisure time without it being a competition. I applaud you for accepting his differences. He sounds like he could become a good mentor for others. I have known kids like your son.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (220068)
• Walnut Creek, California
22 Jan 23
Written from the heart. Of course I wonder: Are there musical instruments around the house, including a keyboard? The nice thing about music (especially an instrument like piano, or ones own voice) is that one can control what one hears, reducing stress and anxiety.
@sissy15 (12300)
• United States
23 Jan 23
He has a keyboard and a guitar but he really doesn't like playing an instrument. He tried violin for a year last year and found it too hard to the point it was causing meltdowns and since then he really hasn't had a desire to play anything. He is doing choir this year and at first it was a bit much for him. With his sensory issues anything he considers loud is a lot. He's getting where he doesn't mind it as much now and is on the verge of liking it. He likes to sing at home so even if he decides not to do choir anymore that's something he can do at home. Instruments I feel cause him stress because of playing violin.
@MissNikki (5237)
• Maple Ridge, British Columbia
20 Feb 23
Sounds like you are a fantastic mom. I hope I can always do the same for my son.
@LindaOHio (181177)
• United States
15 Jan 23
It's so important for parents to love and support their children in whatever positive endeavors that they choose to pursue. You are doing all that and then some. Your son has a good chance of succeeding because of you.
1 person likes this
