jokes

lol, read tis one A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "&&** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse poop all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poop from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a mighty good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple and the problem was quickly resolved. On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door. Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say, "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet."

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?"

An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots. He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots. "Notice anything?", He said. "All I can see is a limp d.ck", She replied. "Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said. "Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat then"!

Mr.Watt rang the phone at the residence of Mr.Knott. "Who's calling?" asked Knott. "Watt." "What is your name, please?" "Watt's my name." "That's what I asked you. What's your name?" "That's what I told you. Watt's my name." A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?" "No, this is Knott." "Please tell me your name." "Will Knott." YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED. READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED... "Why not?" "Huh? What do you mean why not?" "Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?" "But I told you my name!" "Didn't you say you will not?" "Not not, knott, Will Knott!" "That's what I mean." "So you know my name." "Of course not!" "Good. So now, what is yours?" "Watt. Yours?" "Your name!" "Watt's my name." "How the hell do I know? I am asking you!" "Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet." "You have been patient, what about me?" "I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet." "Of course not!" "See, you even know my name!" "Of course not!" "Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?" "Because I don't." [Pause] "What is your name?" "See, you know my name!" "Of course not!" "Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?" "To find out your name!" "But you already know it!" "What?" "See, but you know mine!" "Of course not!" "Exactly!" NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR NAME,BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME. "Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be your answer?" "Watt's my name." "No, no, give me only one word." "Watt" "Your name!" "Right!" [Pause before it hits him] "Oh, Wright!" "Yeah!" "So why didn't you say it before?" "I told you so many times!" "You never said Wright before" "Of course I did." "Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?" "I do not." "Well, there you go, now we know each other's name." "I do not!" "Good!"

Ain't that the truth. Although I am against it myself unless there is a health risk. The world would also be under populated because after one kid they get fixed. In my own opinion I don't think men could handle a pregnancy to full term. They never realize the aches and pains a woman goes through to bear his child. But you are correct about your discssion lord they probably have it on speed dial.lol

A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!" The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

okay

Memory Loss Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years... chatting, and enjoying each other''s friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don''t be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . .What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"