My son stomped all his brother's toys....
By Stephanie5
@Stephanie5 (2946)
United States
December 28, 2006 6:38pm CST
My 8 year old son stomped on his 2 brothers brand new toys and his own! I just don't understand why he would do such a thing! I'm so furious! He stomped on 3 diecast hotrod cars, tore a nerf dart shooter thing to peices, broke all the peices to a policeman set, broke his and his 1 brothers flywheel sets, and tore apart his sisters stuffed animal. He was not mad, angry or in trouble when he did it, not that that would of been an excuse but I just don't understand.
Well,needless to say I spanked him, and he's been standing in the corner for hours, and I made him get everything that he did not destroy and load it in the van and we are going back to the mission center to donate the rest of his toys to kids who will actually appreciate them. ( I asked each child to donate atleast one toy to the kids who don't have a home on Christmas Day) (surprisingly they were all very excited to do that!) I also took his $20 that he recieved for Christmas to replace his brothers toys.
My problem is that their dad found out and he's mad at ME!!! He says I'm over reacting. This child has no fear of anything and he does this on a regular basis, just not usually so many at once. And usually not brand new stuff. I'm just lost on how his dad can think that I'm the one in the wrong. He did NOT buy any of the gifts, he hasn't given them his gifts yet,so it's not that.
Do you think I'm wrong? What would you of done?
I just don't know what else to do to get through to him. I'm losing my mind when it comes to this one. Having 9 is hard enough, but he's like 9 in 1. He gets all my attention, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but he usually gets more one on one time than even my 2 year old. I don't know what else to do with him! Suggestions PLEASE!
Thank you in advance.
2 people like this
19 responses
@klday76 (182)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Wow, I am so sorry that this has happened! I do not think that you are overreacting at all. I agree with taking away the toys if he does not appreciate them. The attention thing is hard. Some kids want attention whether it is good or bad attention. So maybe just give as much positive attention as possible. Do you have any type of reward system in place?
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Yes, and it works well sometimes, except this is the moodiest, angriest child EVER. I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face, he sees a counseler, I do things with him everyday, just me and him, like fix dinner, or make a craft, ect. I just don't know what else to do. He can be the sweetest child ever, and then the meanest.
The reward system is if they do their homework, and chores, and don't mouth off all night, they get fake dollars...then at the end of the week, they can "buy" things like extra computer time, xbox time, time with me, tv time, and so on. It works great for the other kids, and him too, except buy the end of the week, he usually ends up with less than everyone else becuz of him mouthing off and tearing stuff up, or hitting other kids.
Any other suggestions? WHat am I doing wrong?
@klday76 (182)
• United States
29 Dec 06
It really sounds like you are doing everything right. You talk to him, give him special time with you, rewards, etc...
You sound like you are a great mom, I would be beyond frustrated as well. I teach kindergarten and it has been a few years since I have had a really difficult child. But when I did, nothing I was doing would work with the child. I had to get help from the counselor at our school.
I wish that you could get his father to back you up and help you out with him.
I really don't know what to suggest to you, I wish I did. Is there anyone in your community that could help you out?
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I am scheduled to start parenting classes through the church and school on Jan. 16th. I'm really hoping that I get some really useful information out of it!! Cross your fingers!
@volschenkh (1043)
• South Africa
29 Dec 06
Wow I think you did great! I would not have done it differently! Do you think he learned his lesson now, or will he just do it again? Are you and the Dad still married? Did the sone apologise to you?
Sometimes children act out because they need the attention, this sounds like he falls in that category. He needs to be punished and you did well in the way that you did it! For the Dad's reaction, he is childish about the matter, I mean what would he have done about it, apllauded him and make a joke about it. That child def. needs more discipline, and your are doing the right thing!
1 person likes this
@volschenkh (1043)
• South Africa
30 Dec 06
Its a pleasure. My sister is kind of going through the same problem you are experiencing. Her husband recently left her with a 3 year old and a 6 month old baby. The three old is acting out of control these days, he's naughty, deliberate and everything he wasn't before the trauma fot he divirce. He's fighting for attention and mom really couldn't give it to him at some stage. So good luck
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Dec 06
You had a great idea with the toys, donaiting them will get him after a while to learn to respect his things as well as others things. But let me also add that little boys and girls for that matter do need there dads for disapline reasons, if your husband isnt around much its him trying to gain attenchin from his father, as well as you. Yes you may do a whole lot of things with him but seems to me he wants DAD for that reason, he wants him more in his life instead of in and out.
1 person likes this
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
30 Dec 06
It sounds to me that he's using his behaviour to get reactions from you. They say that a bad reaction is better than no reaction. You say he's getting more one on one time because of his actions and I'd venture to guess he realizes this.
Try handling him calmly. Instead of yelling and hitting, sit with him and ask him why he did what he did. Then ask him how he would like if his brothers did that to him. Try to talk about it a bit before you anger. Of course he should 'pay' for what he's done, but make sure he understands what he is going to do to pay and keep it in perspective of his 'crime'. Take his toys and put them up, let him have them back as he does NICE things for his family and brothers and sisters. He will be rewarded for his GOOD actions instead of disciplined for his BAD actions. Once he sees that GOOD pays off better than BAD he will change. Good luck! I know boys can be a bit tough at times!
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I did talk to him calmly and asked him all those questions. And I thought I started to get through to him, but today he was acting up again...so tomorrow is another day...we will try again.
Thank you for the response!
@MentalPanic (227)
• Sri Lanka
29 Dec 06
Hey you stop here...this acting did and still my daughter have..this CAN have with ADD and do . He do not really feel well with his acting against himself or his brothers. Some of this kids are stronger then normal kids...that makes that they dose not mean to do this but it brokes anyway ...don´t go on him to hard without going from the ground . If it is like this..do find othert toys who can hold better if u get what I mean..your younger boy who is 2 years old ..are going to grow faster in many way ..and that gonna make your 8 years old feel a bit at the side and notice that he have a bit problematic...
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I think I understand what you are trying to say...
But he STOMPED and INTENTIONALLY ripped apart his and their toys. It's not about him being stronger. He did this ON PURPOSE.
But, thank you for your response anyways!
@carolynpb (647)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I think you handled the situation right and your husband ought to back you up on it. Parents should always stick to gether when displining their children. Sounds like he needs to be spanked and told no everytime he does these things even if he doesn't seem angry at the time. I have never thought time outs helped any. I just spanked and said no. It didn't take my kids long not to do it again. You do it enough they will learn, "hey, last time I did that I got spanked". You know? I think you did a real good job of punishing him. Not many parents do that anymore! Bravo for you!!
@onouui (80)
• Australia
29 Dec 06
It sounds like you're pretty responsible and I don't see much wrong with how your handling things so far. I agree there could be an underlying issue. Is the counselling working? Maybe have a talk (or some talks, just sit down and chat) with him and ask him questions.
Guilt trips are an option but it depends on what the child is like. Too many though, are terrible.
Perhaps the father just doesn't understand discipline as well as the mother may, because they do need to be disciplined and taught morals from an early age, or else it gets harder as they age.
I don't think I've helped much, but I hope you get through this. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
31 Dec 06
Thank you very much for your help! He didn't break toys again the next day, but he was showing his butt. I don't know what to do with him. Hopefully today is a better day!
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
30 Dec 06
The counselling really isn't helping. I sat down with him after he did this, and I had him make a list of all the things he was angry about. Then we talked about them. He apologized. I apologized for the things that I did wrong! I'm not perfect either. And then today he was right back at his same ole stuff again! AAAHHHHHH
@onouui (80)
• Australia
30 Dec 06
Wow, he did the same thing the next day.. did he forget your conversation and all else that you had that time? Quite difficult to understand..
Tell him how you feel?
hmm, just something that popped into my mind (randomly), just an idea. Sometimes it can help if they have a good diet, or eat a certain something (I don't know, but I saw this on the news). Fish oil helps with concentration and brain stuff like that, perhaps try that.
Well, I think that was my last idea :P
Hope it all works out for you :]
1 person likes this
@Sunset50 (1397)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Your answer is in your topic. Here it is...... He gets all my attention, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but he usually gets more one on one time than even my 2 year old....
He knows it will get him the attebntion. You did the right thing with what you have done and as a mother myself I know how hard it is. But I suggest you think about when he does these things and you will see a pattern in why he is doing these things. Give him some chores that only he is responsible for and only praise those things. When he misbehaves, make the punishment fast and don't let him keep your attention only on him with argueing back and forth.
No matter how any of us answer this post, we don't know your family or the situation, only you do. As far as x hubby goes, he doesn't have to live with it, he probably wasn't there to see it, so don't worry about it. I don't think any judge in the world would declare you a bad mother for doing the right thing.
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
30 Dec 06
That really made sense! Thank you very, very much!
I hope you have a really great day!
@kstanley7 (1171)
•
29 Dec 06
ahhhh Stephanie I feel for you as I am going through the same thing here, jason the youngest, is being picked on by shannon his older sister, jason went to a christmas party and came back with carpet burns on his back, now shannon knew his back hurt, but she uses his back as a target. She also broke some of his toys which he recieved for christmas... now I work as a residential carer for the kids mother, but omg shannon is rude, arrogant, ignorant, basically the spawn of satan. so its not really my position to punish her, as her mother practically lets her get away with murder, but I have to be honest, there has been times when even I would like to smack her, but I restrain myself from doing so. If I try talking to the mother, she says that I am just taking it out on her.
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
30 Dec 06
Well, with you not being the parent, there's really nothing you can do to change her if the mother lets her get by with it. You just have to deal with her the ways you are allowed. But really stop and think about that. There has to be something that REALLY gets to her. Hopefully it's easier to find than with my son! You may not be able to smack her, but there has to be something that will atleast get her attention!
With my son, I've found that if you ignore all the 'outbursts' (well, not all, but the majority, unless you really have to step in) they become fewer and fewer, because when they don't even get the negative attention from it, they eventually will stop (but usually resort to something else :-( )
Now you can't ignore the girl hurting the boy...something definitely NEEDS to be done about that!!! If nothing else, if it gets to be too bad, maybe you could get the authorities involved. I know that's extreme, but she's probably going to start REALLY hurting him if someone don't step in! Good Luck
Thank you for your response!
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I would give it a couple days and talk to him...tell him the only wrong answer is a lie (I do that with my kids) and ask him WHY he did it? is he angry about something (only he knows that for certain)? was he bored? was he unhappy with what he got? did something happen in his life that upset him and he was just reacting? etc etc...
I actually did somethign similar tothat when I was 5 or 6...I took a hammer to every gift under the tree and smashed all of them....I know why I did it (now I mean, I didnt then and in fact dont even remember it really)...for me it was all about acting out over things that were goin on in the home (long story)..
kids generally dont do things like that for no reason....its finding out what that reason is thats the tricky part....
do I htink you were wrong for punishing him? no not at all BUT dont leave it at that..you really should get to the bottom of it
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I did talk to him with little success. :-(
I just don't understand his behavior in general. I have to be doing something wrong. He is soooo bad sometimes. Mostly all the time. I'm tired.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
29 Dec 06
I do not thin that you overreacted, parents need to make their children take the consequenses for their actions. Kids get away to easy these days, and donating the toys is a great idea, coz then someone else can use them , someone who was not fortunate enough to recive anything at all.
The only thing I do not agree with is the spanking part. I have always been against this, but i think it has to do with that even spanking in my country is classified as abuse and is against the law. So I think it is a natural "no-no" for me =)
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
30 Dec 06
Well, I didn't BEAT him, if that makes you feel any better. I didn't know what else to do! I hate spanking my kids, but I've tried everything in the book and nothing fazes him. I'm so frustrated. I think he needs medication. I think he has several different things wrong with him....He shouts out things and claps and ahhhh, he does things all day long, he's hyperactive, and I think he also has Obsessive (sp) Compulsive Disorder. He will do things like rituals, like when he hangs up the phone...he will say "I love you, bye" 3 times before he hangs up...EVERY SINGLE TIME!!
I don't know...I could go on forever. I'm just REALLY FRUSTRATED WITH HIM!!! I want to pull my hair out. I want to help him, not hurt him!
Thanks for your response...if you have any ideas, please do!!!
@lafavorito (2959)
• Philippines
29 Dec 06
Your son seemed to act violently a lot (according to his dad), and it is good that you asked them to donate their toys to other kids. It will help him realize that he should appreciate what he have and not destroy them. Continue what you're doing and eventually he will realize that what he did was wrong.
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I don't know, he's pretty darn set in his ways. He's so stubborn and bullheaded. And yes, he's very LOUD and VIOLENT! I'm just lost on what to do with him. I have taken him to doc. with no success on changes. I have to figure him out!
@nufoundglory (1353)
• Serbia And Montenegro
29 Dec 06
Hmm..i dont have a kid (and not even married) of my own, but i think maybe after all your son just wants some attention? Maybe he wants attention more than the others, which is why he did something that stood out enough. I think the key here is to go easy on him? Show him unconsciously that he's not left out even he did not do something that would catch attention. Is he the one on your avatar? He's cute, say hi to him for me! ;)
1 person likes this
@micki38120 (61)
• United States
29 Dec 06
You have said he is in counseling, but not for how long. If it has been any length of time it is obviously not working. Perhaps changing therapists or finding a different kind of therapy, like anger management would be helpful. It sounds like you are trying very hard to help him with this.
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
30 Dec 06
I am trying very hard and I realize that he is not the only one that has to change...I do too. And I am, but he's not. And it's so frustrating. I can talk and reason with my other kids. But, not with Blake. The counselling isn't working..Maybe the parenting classes will. Thank you very much for your response!
@Melizzy (1381)
• United States
29 Dec 06
It appears that you and Dad are divorced? Your son has extreme anger issues. You need to get him to a child psychologist at once. For a child to act out his anger, and just because he doesn't appear angry doesn't mean he's not, is not normal.
I hate to raise this question, but are you sure he is not being or has not been sexually abused? This is behavior indicitive of rage caused by abuse.
Quit worrying about what his father thinks and worry about your son and how to help him. This is not normal at all.
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
30 Dec 06
Well, your comment has scared the hell out of me! Yes I have taken him to doctor. And they send a paper to the school...and the teacher always writes back and says they do not have these problems with Blake...Yet, notes get sent home quite often. Doesn't make sense.
The doc will not help becuz the teacher says he don't have do it at school...BUT HE DOES....I just can't win. I know it's not normal, the other kids have their bad days, but not like him.
@emarie (5442)
• United States
3 Jan 07
if he can't respect his toys he shouldn't have them...simple at that. its a good idea to give them away, although i feel kind of bad for your other children. i tell my child when he breakes his toys that there's nothing we can do and he needs to start taking care of them or he won't have any. and trust me...you're not over reacting. if he want he can have toys at his fathers house, just not there. he needs to learn repsect for his own things and others or he'll get into more trouble when he's older.
1 person likes this
@krislouiebaby (2346)
• Philippines
29 Dec 06
keep cool every child is different,,as he grow older he will change,,,just guide him well, love him and give him advice,,,
1 person likes this
@BulletsMama (221)
• United States
29 Dec 06
Yikes....don't know what to say on this one. If this is an ongoing problem and has happened before I would probably talk to the doctor about it. There must be something going on with him or an underlying problem somewhere. Although 3 year olds sometimes do go through the "troublesome threes" I would say (at least in my experience) this would be a bit much.
As for daddy being mad at you...I don't know your situation but it sounds like he doesn't live with you and the kids...I would have to tell him that you reacted the best you could and if the isn't there to deal with these types of things on a daily basis...that he should not judge...your the one regularly there on a day to day basis...not him.
Just my 2 cents.
Good Luck!
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I've talked to the doc about it. They won't do anything because he does not act that way at school. He's 8, not 3. And I agree with you about their father. He's never around and he don't deal with them, so he needs to butt out!
Thank you for the response!
@chetlog (525)
• Philippines
3 Jan 07
I have several thoughts in mind. Have you tried talking to him if anything is bothering him? Does he have any medical condition or something? Have you observed him being jealous of his younger brother? It would be strange indeed if he did this out of nothing at all. Why is he so angry? Is he angry all the time? I am just giving my two cents so you can have another perspective to consider. I hope I helped some.
1 person likes this
@Rapture (84)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I think making him donate his toys is a very good solution
and I do not think you are over reacting at all, maybe even under reacting
the dad?? omg, what? how can he say your over reacting at this....
he does this a lot? he needs to be punished a lot more than just this.. children dont learn from nothing, he needs to be taught a lesson, not let off the hook
1 person likes this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
29 Dec 06
I agree, but now I feel bad. But I have to put a stop to this NOW. We worked our butts off to buy those toys and everything that they already have and he has to learn that he cannot destroy other people's property!!! Nor, his own!!! I'm furious at him, and now his father. I was crying, I just don't understand. I've tried everything I can, I'm NOT being nice about it anymore. I'm going to continue to punish him and I'm not giving in!! I have to stand my ground!!! I feel like if his father thinks I do everything wrong, maybe he should take him for a while and see if he can do better. ( I don't really mean that, but I'm so frustrated.) (his dad wouldn't take him anyways) But, anyways, can you understand my frustrations???? I have to get my point across one way or another...becuz I'm losing control with this one, and once that happens, I'll lose control with all of them and have 9 kids in juvinile hall! :-(
