Help - My Boyfriend really scared me tonight!
By Marie2473
@Marie2473 (8512)
Sweden
January 2, 2007 4:22pm CST
My boyfriend really scared me today. I don´t know if it is me, coming from an abusive relationship or if this is something I should react on.
We had a huge fight and we both got very upset. We hardly ever fight but i have seen this coming for a while since we both have been very stressed out and barely had any time for eachother like we normaly have.
Anyway, He was screaming - I was screaming and then he just punched the door with his fist and screamed:
- Ahh, Marie you are really pissing me off right now.
I just froze and all the bad memories came back to me and I had to controll myself from not starting to shake and cry.
He has left now and I am alone with my thoughts... This was the way it started last time.
My ex also started by punching doors and then went on to me.. Is this a sign?
I do love him alot and he has never shown any aggressive behaviour in the year we have been together and living together but tonight I did not recognize him - he was not the man I love. He became my ex...
I am so confused right now, and I have no idea on what I am supposed to think about the whole thing.
Is this just a normal behaviour for men when they get angry or is it a warning?
If somebody have thoughts or ideas to share I would be greatful!
17 people like this
117 responses
@zoeokeeffe (184)
•
2 Jan 07
It is not necessarily a sign as he took out his frustation and anger out on an inanimate object, not you. However it might be worth explaining to your partner once you have made up how you feel about displays of aggression. If he loves you he will respect your feelings and if this situation arises again he will control his temper or do it out of your sight. If he doesn't take any notice then it may be a warning sign.
5 people like this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
Thanx alot for commenting. It is just hard since it feels abit like deja vu!
4 people like this
@armywifey (882)
• United States
3 Jan 07
I agree. You should let him know how that made you feel and that are afraid of what might happen. The good thing is he did leave instead of continuing the fight. I was also in an abusive relationship and I know how you feel. You are afraid at any moment that it may happen again. At least if it does come to that you were strong enough to leave the first time so it will be easier to leave again.
1 person likes this
@AskAlly (3625)
• Canada
2 Jan 07
Dont' live with the threat of violence hanging over your head. That's no life! My husband is 6 feet 4 inches and is a rough and tumble rancher that scares people with just the way he looks. If I had to live in fear of him, because he got a bee in his bonnet I would not be sane today. REAL men DO NOT act this way.
We have raised 5 sons and not one of them would raise a hand to his wife.... they know better. I think it is a sign of their own insecurity when they act out violently.
My husband could crush me like a bug, but it would never occur to him to hit me or my walls.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
Thanxfor your advicxe. I will have a talk with him later, wen we both have calmed down and I will make sure itnever happens again- if it does then i am not sure i can keep going., I will not live in fear again!
2 people like this
@nuffsed (1271)
•
2 Jan 07
Askally has given you the best advice. Second, third and fourth chances are for fools, a real man just knows when enough is enough, and walks away before losing control.
Do not put yourself and in the future, your children at risk out of some false sense of loyalty and fairness.
A brute, will grow into an older more brutal brute.
@theaterjunkie (342)
• United States
2 Jan 07
I would give this more time. When you're stressed and all of that, of course you are going to be prone for arguments and stuff. I think you'll be ok. When you live with someone, you will get into arguments. Just make sure that this isn't who he REALLY is, and then if he does, you should get out. No one under any circumstance should be in that kind of relationship.
4 people like this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
3 Jan 07
I will give i some time and also have a talk with him about it - Thanx
1 person likes this
@steffylikewoah (1762)
• United States
2 Jan 07
My husband sometimes hits the wall, but he would never hit me. It's not necessarily a sign. When you're both calm, tell him that it brought bad memories to you. Maybe next time he'll try not do it.
4 people like this
@tigrashadow (1086)
• Australia
2 Jan 07
i know exactly how you feel...ever since my abusive relationship years ago, i react badly to anger or violent acts etc...i freak out and shake and cry and nearly hyperventilate...
i suggest when you are both calmer, you talk about it and tell him how you are feeling and why (though i assume he already knows about your past)
it doesnt always mean that he will turn out like your ex bas you have both been stressed out and stuff and would be easily agitated....it is a good sign that hes not shown any signs in a year as usually the abusive ones dont take long to show their true colours
getting over past abusive relationships is hard but you have to remind yourself that you dont deserve that treatment and you dont have to be a victim (i know how hard it is at the time though but this is what my psych said to me).
all i can suggest is to talk about it with your boyfriend maybe also about the stresses and stuff that you are both having..communication is the key...
good luck..
3 people like this
@tigrashadow (1086)
• Australia
3 Jan 07
i used to think that too but then a while later i realized i am stuck with triggers that freak me out....someone yelling, feeling their anger, raising a hand, being aggressive....it sucks...but work through it to make a better future...and hopefully your current boyfriend is there with you to support you and not have anymore outbursts like the last one
take care hon..and thanks for the rating
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
3 Jan 07
I definately will try to work it out and work wih my past more. this really had me realised that i still am carrying that weight around =(
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
3 Jan 07
Thanx alot for your advice. I thought i had worked through the past more than i obviously have =( I will try to talk with him later and see to it that it doesn´t happen again!
3 people like this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
2 Jan 07
That was your warning! I wouldn't stress about it until he actually puts his hands on you. YOu are letting your past relationships have a negative impact on this one if you think this way. Your ex would of hit you, and if you keep thinking that your current boyfriend eventually will, then sub-consiously you could push him to it. That's what I did anyways. Just step back. You need to first start thinking about how the fight got that bad to begin with and fix that problem. Just step back, take some deep breaths, try to clear your mind, and then go back through the day and look at it from a by-standers point of view to try and sort everything out!!
I hope this helps! Good Luck!
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
Thanx alot. This fight torned out to be theugliest we´ve had and rallyfor a dumb reason. I think the stress caused the fight in the first place.
Like I said we have been together and lived together for a year (more or less) and this is the first sign of aggressiveness he´s shown, but i do admit that it took me right back to that dark place where I was about 2 years ago and it freaked the hell out of me.
4 people like this
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
2 Jan 07
A year and a half and this is your first big fight, that's pretty good. I really hope things work out between you guys, it sounds like it's been a good relationship for the most part. Good Luck!
4 people like this
@Withoutwings (6992)
• United States
2 Jan 07
"We had a huge fight and we both got very upset. We hardly ever fight but i have seen this coming for a while since we both have been very stressed out and barely had any time for eachother like we normaly have.
Anyway, He was screaming - I was screaming and then he just punched the door with his fist and "
This doesn't mean that he is going to abuse you. I have been with my boyfriend for seven years and we used to get in horrible horrible fights. We are both strong minded. We would both scream and yell. He overturned the couch once. Stuff would get thrown off the balcony. I've punched walls before. But in all of our seven years (we only fought like this the first year) he has never laid a hand on me in violence and vice versa. From the above paragraph I quote it seems you were both fired up pretty bad. If he hasn't hit you yet, I don't think he'll start after a year. I agree with a previous poster that you should talk to him about the past relationship when you make up with him. But I don't think that you should be afraid of him or leave him because he punched a wall.
3 people like this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
Thanx for this. I do love him and up until tonight I had no doubts whatsoever about him. I do belive that I am having a hard time coping with my past and that its still affecting me more than i think.
It is a bit ironic though - that i just a few days ago posted a discussion called " how do i get over beeing abused" I do know that this is not the way,..
I know we are both in alot of stress. I have calmed down now infront of the computer and even though I got really scared it might have been just stress!
3 people like this
@thatcrazyqbanita (3312)
• United States
2 Jan 07
dont' let it bother you too much, chances are that it is what it is, a frustrated and angry person letting out his anger on an object. i have seen people throw items and hit items in relationship, but never people. unless,
he doesn't change his ways, there is nothing to worry about.
3 people like this
@mkup30 (494)
• United States
2 Jan 07
this could go either way i have known my husband for 3 yrs and oncehe did punch a door but that's all he ever did. however i had a bf for 3 yrs b4 that and he started punching doors and eventually became abusive so just be alert and if he ever turns on you drop him fast!
3 people like this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
yeah my ex turned on me and I guess thats why i am freaked out right now. i will calm down and havea talk with him later though. Thanx for responding
2 people like this
@nobodyspecial (1011)
• United States
3 Jan 07
I am not going to address his behavior, rather I am going to put forth some questions you might want to ask yourself.
You mentioned your last relationship was abusive. You are now feeling as though you are noting the 'stages' prior to actual abuse.
What of your other relationships? Are you a caretaker? Accepting responsibilities not your own? Do you accept blame for things you did not do?How is this boyfriend different than the last or the one before that?What was your relationship with your father or significant older male?What was your relationship with your mother?We have a tendency to repeat our relationships over and over the faces and names change but the personalities don't.
We also deny we do these things, we want to believe we have learned and made changes.
You have now been frightened by this man. What will this relationship be like for you in the future? Can you trust him or yourself?Most believe when they have left an abusive relationship they have left it behind...without help and self inventory it is still very close.
Get some counseling hon, This may not be the man for you.
2 people like this
@tigrashadow (1086)
• Australia
3 Jan 07
im so happy to hear that you wont accept it again....but take the only time in the year you have been with him as a mistake and work through it...just make sure that you remain strong in your conviction that if it happens again you will leave....
warm thoughts your way
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
3 Jan 07
I think I am a caretaker, always want to "save" other people and think that I can help them. I was abused and during this time i though i was to blame for it all.
My relationship with my father could not be better - he is the best =) and so is my mother. I have a great family all in all, however beeing absued by my ex wasn´t the only time. My brother also abused me while i was still young for years and years but that is in the past.
I do not know what will happen now, co he really did scare me today, although i will give it a shot and see what happens after we have talked. I will not tolerate it happening again though, not when I see what it is doing to me, and if he cares aboutme and loves me then he should be able to controll himself while around!
Thanx for your response!
1 person likes this
@babystar1 (4233)
• United States
2 Jan 07
Punching the wall is better then punching you.He must of really been pissed off at you. Well I knew a guy that did the same thing when he was mad , he had holes in all his doors and even the walls, but he never hurt anybody.He did hurt his had and had to go to the hospital for hitting a brick wall.But over the years he learned to control his temper.Just let him alone untill he cools off, and he will probably will come back to you, and you can work things out. Good luck
3 people like this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
3 Jan 07
I will tryto talk with him later - thanx for your input
1 person likes this
@aloneintheweb (27)
• Switzerland
2 Jan 07
Hi,
Even people that have quite good self control can break at some point. If your boyfriend has been building up stress and frustration for a while, and not been able to channel it and change it into love & affection for you (you mention not having time for each other lately), then all that negative energy is bound to come out another way.
But as mentioned higher up, you definitely need to talk to him about it when you both have some time for eachother. It's important he tells you why he acted that way, and that he understands how it made you feel.
Olivier
3 people like this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
Thanx for your comment.
The thing si though that he knows that i am coming from a 4 year old relationship that was abusive and he knows that it scares me.
Anways I will have a talk with him when we both have calmed down and can talk in a civil way.
2 people like this
@zoeokeeffe (184)
•
2 Jan 07
It is not necessarily a sign as he took out his frustation and anger out on an inanimate object, not you. However it might be worth explaining to your partner once you have made up how you feel about displays of aggression. If he loves you he will respect your feelings and if this situation arises again he will control his temper or do it out of your sight. If he doesn't take any notice then it may be a warning sign.
3 people like this
@jumpinjack00 (3054)
• United States
2 Jan 07
It's not a good sign BUT we as men never
really grow up to the point where we know
we shouldn't hit things. Objects that is.
Not other humans. If the situation is as
you describe it and he doesn't call you
names or belittle you, than perhaps it is
just the stress you both are going through.
Back off and don't criticize things you
might normally do so about. You keep your
calm no matter what and if he continues to
blow up it may be much deeper than the start
of an abusive relationship. Now I'm not saying
he is but there may be the possibility he's
getting some affection somewhere else. Don't
panic! That's just another scenario.
Keep the peace and always remember, women
have control of the relationship.
I tell you this as a well traveled man.
3 people like this
@sunsham68 (1376)
• India
3 Jan 07
I agree with the above poster, except about the cheating part. Explain to him that you felt unnerved and try and make for some quality time. No matter how hectic life gets, I make sure me and my love connect when we feel disconnected and that keeps us together and happy even though we have been through a lot of ups and downs.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
2 Jan 07
thanx alot, really needed a mans input here. As far as he cheating I really dont think so - then again you never know.. I will keep my eyes open though!
2 people like this
@Jshean20 (14348)
• Canada
3 Jan 07
Well in one way I want to say that he was probably just angry and took his anger out on the door instead of you which is a good thing, but on the other hand, I've seen my boyfriend pretty angry in the two years that we've been together and he has never punched anything or even came close. I think you need to go with your heart on this, if you feel threatened than it's time to get out of the relationship.
2 people like this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
3 Jan 07
Thanx for commenting. I will try and talk with him first and see if he can try to understand why i got scared and maybe the next time he will think about this. iF not.. well...
@r0ck_r0ck (1952)
• India
3 Jan 07
cant say widout knowin the whole story! anyway it hurts! all i can say b cool! keep urselves from fightin each other!
2 people like this
@deep1608 (321)
• India
3 Jan 07
I dont think you should panic.Guys are like that when they are angry but ts okay...Its very normal for guys to be short tempered...
just stay relaxed n concentrate on the positive sides of ur relation.Moreover do talk to him what you felt once he is absolutely normal.THis will help him to understand ur partof anxiety n insecurity.Dnt take any quick decisions :) Gud luck!
2 people like this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
3 Jan 07
Thanx for your comment. i will have a talk about it later with him!
@binacheri14 (299)
• United States
3 Jan 07
anger is anger, while it is good that he didn't hit you Im sure that the thought in your head is will he next time. Ask him if hes willing to take an anger management class with you. That way he dosen't feel like your making it only about him. As a person whos been in an abusive relationship I would have to say I too could use an anger management class. It might do both of you good. I hope everything goes good for you and I pray that your relationship wont become abusive.
2 people like this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
3 Jan 07
Thanx. Anger management might be agood idea if this happens again, but i will first try and talk with him about how he made me feel!
@Veyayu (42)
• Philippines
3 Jan 07
hi dear,
i do not think your boyfriend really wants to hit you. To have a good relationship , is you have to be open to him , tell him how you feel and tell him that you are scared because you have experienced with punching doors and stuff. Tell him that you do not want to loose him and let him assure you that he will not hurt you . All fights sometimes have this kind of problems. My husband punched our doors too but he never physically hurt me nor or son. I know that you are scared. Talk to him about this if you really love him and ask him if he feels the same way. He left you after the fight to make sure that everything about the fight will end on that day. Let him know that you are there and fix the problem right away. Sometimes girls need to make the first move to save a relationship. Trust me on this one and he will see that you care and will realize that how much you mean to him.
2 people like this
@bunnie17479 (18)
• Canada
3 Jan 07
I used to date a guy like that. We broke up for other reasons. He used to have a bad temper and would hit things. Seems to be that was the way that he let out his frustrations. He NEVER touched a hair on my head though. I'm not saying that this would be the case for you though. If I were you, and because this is the first time that it happened, I would wait until he comes home and try to talk to him about it. Explain to him what happened in your other relationship, and how you felt when he blew up like that. Maybe after he hears that it might make him think before he starts to destroy anything. I would also give him a warning. If he truly loves you and wants to continue his relationship with you, then he'll learn to control himself. If not...you deserve better.
2 people like this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
3 Jan 07
Thanx alot. I will definately talk with him about it. he does know about my pas though, but i guess it is easier for him to forget about it than it is for me =)
