Do your children have a MySpace?
By brihanna
@brihanna (381)
United States
January 23, 2007 11:38am CST
Both of my teens have a myspace. As a way for me to keep aware of thier activities, I have spyware on my computer, And I have a fake profile. I can view most everything they do or say, as I have been accepted as thier friend (even though they do not know it is me). Do you think this is wrong? am I invading thier privacy? How do you monitor your kids..or, how would you feel if your parent/spouse was monitoring what you do on the myspace or mylot communities?
10 people like this
76 responses
@Ciniful (1587)
• Canada
23 Jan 07
Do I think it's wrong that you've lied to your children to create a fake profile and be on their friends list? Definately. How do you expect honesty from them when you're setting a dishonest example? And in the case that they ever did anything wrong with that account, how would you go about telling them you found out? You can't push honesty and good behavior when you don't practice it firsthand.
My children do not have a myspace, they're too young. My oldest is 12, and he's finally expressing some interest in it. I'll allow it when he figures it's time, under the same conditions I allow them for internet access every time.
1. The computer is a main room of the house. I don't believe in kids having computers in their bedrooms, where they can't be supervised while they're online.
2. They are to ask me or notify me before accepting any friend requests, so I can check the person out first.
With these rules in place, my kids aren't online where they can't be supervised, and I'm aware of all the comings and goings. I don't have to sneak around, and I don't have to lie to my kids.
Honestly, I can't imagine how my kids would have any respect for me if I provided an example of lies and expect honesty in return. Aside from being a liar, that would make me a hypocrite.
4 people like this
@brihanna (381)
• United States
23 Jan 07
Wow, I kinda feel like I am being lectured. Yes, it is a bit dishonest in a way. I did have the computer in the family room til my children entered high school. Now, they have to be on it for about 3 hours a night. They take tests online, study guides, research papers, etc. So they each have one in thier rooms. That makes it a little hard to monitor.
I hope that my kids never get in trouble with thier online activities, however, I would be a fool to believe that 1)it could never happen to my kids and 2) my kids will never use the computer without my permission, go on a site without my permission, or accept a friend without my permission.
I was a teen once too, and know exactly how I felt about over-controlling parents.
We all want are kids to make the best choices, sometimes, however, they are just silly kids
2 people like this
@mssmith007 (1028)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I agree 100% with Ciniful. It is wrong to sneak around and create fake profiles just to spy. Why not put your normal account on your kids friends list? That way they are aware that you have access, they know mom can see what's going on. That will prevent anything from going bad, because they'll be watching what they're doing. If it's unacceptable, they understand you'll see it and they'll have to deal with the consequences of their actions.
I created a myspace page for my daughter who will be 3, next month. Now I know some may think I'm crazy -- but I have good reasoning. Over 25 of my family members are on myspace... all over the world. I have her page set on private -- only have family members on her friends list, and I post pictures from different events/holidays, so the family can see how she's grown. I also use the page for her birthday wishes/requests. Basically, family can log on to her page and see her life in pictures for the past year, and days to come.\
Myspace is a great place for families and friends to keep in contact. Just use it wisely, and protect our children from harmful beings.
@sj_chaudhry (1537)
• Canada
23 Jan 07
up to some extent i think it is right... beacuse there is no other way to monitor kids...especially what is on their mind..?? if my parents or spouse did this to me then i think it would be their right to do so.
You can do other measure despite of telling lies. Like should be very friendly with kids so that they can share their experiences and secrets with you. and also place computer at common place so that you can monitor them all the time. Our computer is at common place too but my child is very little.. but we can know what our significant other is doing on computer... i think it might increase faith and trust in each other... we dotn lie and dont hide anything from each other.
@barbarella (354)
•
24 Jan 07
And we have absolutely no right to know what is going on in their mind unless they choose to tell us. I feel it is one thing keeping an eye on their behaviour but quite another monitoring their thoughts which I'm afraid is what reading conversations that they would only want to have with friends is doing. We're parents, not the Thought Police! I remember when I was 16 my best friends mum read her diary out of concern and I was absolutely appalled. If my mum had done that to me there is no way I would have been 'mature enough' to see that it was doe out of concern, I would have felt that trust had been broken quite severely. This is very close to reading their diary in my eyes. Teenagers need and are entitled to a degree of privacy. My 14 year old son has a computer in his room and mostly he only speaks to school friends on instant messenger. If he were to talk to anyone else I know that he would never ever be so stupid as to give out any detals or meet up with anyone from the internet as I have drummed it into him what the dangers are. I really advise you to take your profile off. The suggestion above about adding yourself openly as their mum seems a good one if you feel you need to monitor them (although I did that on my sons MSN but he blocked me as I kept sending him messages from the next room telling him to go to bed or tidy his room etc.!). Obviously you know your children best and how they would react but I do think that most people, whether adult or teenager, and whatever your reason for doing so would see this as highly invasive. Bear in mind also that, from their point of view, it is not just that you will have betrayed their trust in you, they will also feel that you don't trust them. You have allowed them to have myspace accounts and given them the impression that you trust them to use them unsupervised. If they then find that this was never true, they are going to feel like you have less respect for them and their maturity than you have lead them to believe. Plus, and this is unlikely admittedly, but if you have warned your children about watching out for adults posing as other kids and then you as their 'friend' say something which tips them off that you are an adult, you are going to look pretty silly if your own children report you!!!
@brihanna (381)
• United States
23 Jan 07
Your right, about the part of what is on thier minds. Unfortunately, despite the fact that I want to be thier friend, I am also thier mother, so there are many thing they do not tell me. (like who was drinking at Friday's party, or who is dating whom, or how they feel emotionally about issues). I know that they would be upset to learn that I have put these measures in place. But I also think that they would be mature enough (or at least I hope so) to understand that I did it because I am concerned for their safetly and well being.
3 people like this
@phongle85 (3)
• United States
23 Jan 07
its somewhat wrong, but then, you're looking out after your kids. there's nothing wrong wit that, there's so many incidents about myspace stuff, i dont have kids, but if i do, i would do the same.
@devideddi (1435)
• United States
23 Jan 07
I think Ciniful has a few good points but I have to agree with you brihanna. My 16 year old has a myspace and my 18 year does not. She is not interested. We have discussed the myspace issue from day one and it an open discussion around here. I don't feel I have to go on myself and see what he is saying or doing. But if I felt I needed to I would. I would do that and much more. I dont care what when or how ,(or what anyone thinks including the children) I will do what ever I need to do to protect my children not only because it is my responsibility as their parent but because I would go to the ends of the world if I had to, to help,protect,keep safe and love my kids. Remember they are the children not our equals.
4 people like this
@brihanna (381)
• United States
23 Jan 07
I think it is great that you do not feel you have to check the myspace issue with your kids, and you should feel good about the open communication you have with them about it. It is something that I strive for.
I wish that I did not have to worry about it, but to me, the dangers are very real.
I wish that more people had your view of being parents and not equals. Too many parents do want to be friends with thier kids, and are afraid of overstepping friendship boundries. But, they are not my friends, they are my children, so I guess that gives me the right to step wherever I feel in order to keep them safe, and happy.
3 people like this
@MichianaGuy (92)
• United States
23 Jan 07
No! I salute you for actually monitoring your kids internet activities. It is good to hear that at least one person out there still does actual parenting. Most parents anymore just send their kids off to cyberspace like it is some kind of babysitter that will watch over the kids. Parents have a responsibility to watch over their children, and this responsibility seems to be more than what a lot of parents are willing to do. I have really grown tired of the postings and news stories bashing social sites because of the "horrible things" that happened to their kids "because of" social sites. The part of the story that NEVER gets told is that most of these parents never monitor the fact that "little Sally" is 14, but has a profile that says she's "almost 18" covered in "sexy" pics of herself. And why is this? Because her parents got her a computer and said "Here, go be on the internet and leave us alone". The internet IS the new sitter, and this sitter is looking for kids to abuse, molest, and kill. Parents SHOULD monitor what their kids do.....it's called parenting.
@barbarella (354)
•
24 Jan 07
Surely the best kind of parenting is getting your child to understand why a rule is there so that they follow it for their own benefit? It may have sounded naive in my other post when i said that I absolutely know that my so would not do anything to endanger himself on the internet but the reason I am completely sure is because I know that the rules I struggle to get my son to adhere to are the ones that don't have good reasons behind them - if he understands the benefit to him then he has no problem in sticking to what I have asked of him. Think about when you were younger. The equivalent was 'Don't talk to strangers' 'Don't accept sweets from strangers' etc. Our parents couldn't monitor this beyond a certain age but those of us who had this properly explained to us and really understood the dangers were very careful round strangers weren't we? The problem with authoritarian parenting is that the child learns that they must not do X because they'll get into trouble rather than learning that they must not do X because it will cause Y. Teenagers generally see themselves as quite adult and if we speak to them and treat them with the same respect that we would give to another adult, they will do their best to behave in an adult fashion. I don't mean to criticise as God knows the whole parenting experience is fraught with worry and guilt that you might not have done it 'right' so you don't need more from me! This is just my point of view as a fairly liberal (but still caring parent) and I offer it only as a counterpoint, not a condemnation.
2 people like this
@brihanna (381)
• United States
23 Jan 07
Thanks, I was beginning to think I was really off track with this one. I agree with you, I can not stand it when parents say "well, I did not know that billy knew how to make bombs" or "I did not know that my daughter was sexually active" I guess I would rather know what trouble is coming down the road before it pulls into my driveway and assaults me. I can think that I know my kids, and know what they are doing, but as Gibran said "never, not even in your wildest dreams" will I ever know what it is like to be a teen in this day and age.
2 people like this
@coolbiz (4)
• United States
23 Jan 07
If i discover to my horror that i m being watched i would have lost faith in my parent. Why at all do they need to spy on me? I think if they make me aware of do's and dont, i'll never go wrong. And lastly i believe that once the trust is shattered it's hard to maintain respect. Communication is the best way to keep a track of their activity.
4 people like this
@usaction (649)
• United States
24 Jan 07
THIS IS WAY WRONG! Yes, you are their parent, and yes, you have to watch them, but doing all of that is wrong!
Think about it: would you want someone to be doing that to you? How do you feel about the federal government wire tapping people, just because they can, even though it's a violates God only knows how many laws and ethics? Ever read 1984? Check it out from your local library, if you haven't! Just because you can, doesn't mean you should!
If you're really worried about your kids, sit down with them, talk to them, let them know what's what in life, but *DON'T* be controdictorial or hypocritical! "I can because I'm your parent!" That can be one of the hugest things to drive kids towards paths you don't want them on, and will cause them to be less inclined to listen to you in the future.
That is also a double standard, as far as I'm concerned, as it's ok for you to pretend to be someone else to them, and thus *LYING TO YOUR KIDS!*
But who knows. Maybe they simply will be indifferent, and won't care one way or another. IMO, *I* wouldn't associate with someone who has to be decietful in the ways they monitor their kids. If they will be decietful to their own kids, then how will they treat me, someone that they didn't bring into the world?
@mom2chriskel (1060)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I don't like myspace for kids. There is too much that goes on them on the teenagers pages.
I don't think I'd lie to them. But I would tell them that if they want myspace pages they have to be allowed to let you peak in whenever you want. That may make them watch what they type or say to someone else but they can still be themselves. If you give them that option, it does have to involve trust on both ends.
2 people like this
@Rahleah (187)
• United States
23 Jan 07
I think it's wrong, but I'm not preaching to you. I'm only telling you because you asked our opinions. I otherwise wouldn't say it. I don't think it's wrong for you to monitor your chilren's computer activities. I do think it's wrong for you to use subterfuge to do it. My kids are both on MySpace, but from the time they went on it, they knew I would be monitoring it. If they set up any accounts on line, they know they have to give me the passwords. I don't constantly snoop into their business, but I do randomly have a look at them. If they have done something that I think is a security breach (in other words, revealed something too personal and identifying that I think could put them at risk) then I would say so. Other than that, I respect the fact that it's a place where they and their friends are hanging out together, just like if they were in their bedroom having a conversation. I don't try to tell them what they can and can't talk about or how to talk, etc., like I'm policing their every move. They know that it's my house, my computer, my bill to pay and that I will have oversight as to their safety. That's only fair. There only reason to "sneak" is if you are doing something you shouldn't be. And you are not doing that. You are just doing your job. You might as well let it be known.
3 people like this
@brihanna (381)
• United States
23 Jan 07
Ok, here's the issue though.
"daughter-what is your myspace userID and password"
and the sweet daughter tells me. And I go to it and it is wonderful, and exactly how it should be.
However...these kids are smarter than we are. Not just me, but you and most parents. WHY? because they have all the time in the world to learn, because they have grown up on the computer.
So, sweet daughter creates a 2nd site, the "real" one, the one she shares with friends and cyber-friends and everyone else except me.
So, they know I check up on them,they just don't know how.
And I SSSOOOOOO agree with you about the my house, my computer, my bill thing. I use that phrase frequently.
3 people like this
@Rahleah (187)
• United States
23 Jan 07
I hope you mean no need for a MySpace account and not no need for a computer. If your son is 5 and has no computer, I know it may sound crazy to you, but he will at some point soon find himself to be seriously lagging behind other kids computer skills. And it won't be long (a couple years) before teachers will assign homework that they expect will be able to be done on a computer. Seriously. So, you might as well be sure he has one and you can supervise him on it, so his keyboarding skills, etc., are where they should be when the time comes.
4 people like this
@Queenmaximus (56)
• United States
24 Jan 07
My daughter is only four years old, but recently, I found out that my 13 year old niece had an account on my-space and had uploaded some pretty bad pictures of herself. I was furious with her and I made her remove them. I also told her father. I found the pictures after creating a fake account just to check up on my nieces and nephews because they are almost all teenagers and I know some things that their parents don't know. In my opinion there is no such thing as an invasion of privacy when it comes to a child that is living under your roof. When I lived with my mom, I had to live by her rules and she did check up on me. She managed to keep me out of trouble and I wish that every parent did the same. In this day and age there are predators lurking everywhere, especially on the Internet. I'd much rather be a mother that kept a watchful eye and kept my child safe than a mother that for a fear of invading privacy didn't and lost my child because of it.
@candygurl093 (201)
• United States
24 Jan 07
it is wrong in some ways because it seems you are saying you don't trust them but i look at in a different way sometimes like when i tell my daughter she can't drive alone till she goes to college because it's not that i don't trust her it's that io don't trust everyone around her. And yes my daughter has a myspace but is it that you don't trust your daughters or is it that you don't trust everyone else?
@tokyotiger4242 (82)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Well with a myspace, it doesn't really matter about the rest of the world if your child is smart about it. On myspace, a profile can be set up so that only approved friends can view a profile. I think that solves the trust issue with myspace.
1 person likes this
@myaccount (235)
• United States
23 Jan 07
no i dont have myspace, i would never get myspace either. myspace is one of the worst things u can do on the internet. it has too many pretadors who steal ur pass and get ur private information. too many teens express themselves on this bad website. i say that a couple thousand teens or kids have been harassed by meeting someone "cool" or giving away their information. i will never use myspace. tell ur kids not to use it, or aim. just tell em to play games on the computer rather than chatting with strangrs or opening bloggs on myspace.....
2 people like this
@Kaldonya (277)
• United States
24 Jan 07
My 15yr old has a MySpace page. I have one too (a real one) that I am invited as one of his friends. He knows that I am monitoring his page, his friends, the comments, and he is fine with all of that. He is young and could be easily spoofed by someone saying that they are someone else. There is a lot of that in this world today. He doesn't care one bit that I am one of his friends - and he even asks my permission about the songs he uses on his profile. We have a very open relationship, and he knows that I want him safe. That was the agreement for him to have a page. I also have his password so that I can go in and check his private bulletins and messages if I ever feel the need to. He knows that as well, and is fine with that as well.
2 people like this
@silvatungfox (336)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I much prefer your way of handling wanting to keep your child safe... it is honest and up front and will not come back to bite you in the backside the way I think the original poster might find her methods will.
1 person likes this
@cblackink (969)
• United States
24 Jan 07
You are one cool mom! I think you've got it straight.
1 person likes this
@Kaldonya (277)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Thank you!
I think part of that all comes from when I was a single parent for 7 years, that the boys and I had to be able to totally trust one another and be open and upfront, or our lives were going to be even that much more difficult. Even now after being remarried for more than 5yrs, the boys and I STILL have an extremely open relationship. I'm very glad that they feel comfortable enough with me to be able to share things and let me be part of their lives......His friends seem to think it's cool that I'm one of his friends, and I occasionally get messages of "Hi Josh's mom!".
@sillygirlsd (959)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I somewhat agree with you. Some parents NEED to SUPERVISE their CHILDREN when they are ONLINE(they can do things they do on myspace on other sites). You might be one of those parents that needs to supervise your kids(but you may not..you didn't mention why you do). Some parents don't check their kids profiles and I feel that some parents should. My bf friend has a 15yr old daughter and she has the sluttiest pictures. If I was a pedifile she would be one of the girls I would target. Some kids you can't really trust and some kids I know wouldn't want their parents seeing their profiles. My neice is 13 and my nephew is 14 the age for myspace is 14 but when they got the profile they lied on their age(their parents knew) and I noticed that many many kids from their schools had them to. I'm sure most of those parents don't know they have a myspace. Well anyway...theres also those parents that are open with their kids and theirs no need to make a fake profile or lie to them.
There's a new myspace software for parents. With it you can see your kids profiles, see what they have been doing and who they have been talking to.
1 person likes this
@brihanna (381)
• United States
24 Jan 07
I will look into that new spyware, as it is not always easy to find the time to log into myspace and go browsing into what they have been up to.
I have the teens, and 2 babies, if I did not feel like it was important to know about, I wouldn't do it, God knows there are a thousand other things I could be doing.
Thanks for the great tip.
@Sir_bobby88 (8231)
• Singapore
24 Jan 07
No i but if they have a myspace , i will try to monitor it or else restrict them from the website yea .... if you are worried , you might find some IT specilist to install a progamme to restricted them to go myspace using adminstrator yea
@sankethadiga (1087)
• India
24 Jan 07
Well, I entirely agree with your way of doing things, and as pointed out by dividedi, you are finally ensuring the well being of your children, irrespective of the means by which you achieve that.
Being a Teenager and a MySpace user, I know about the hazards and traps that lie in the most innocuous looking profiles. I have read about many instances of undtoward consequences.
I know the limitations of the system, but that isn't the case with many of MySpace users, it's funny the way things function, it has a larger than life image, although being lifeless. I've seen many of my friends spending their time wantonly in these social networking sites.
So as long as you don't start prising personal information using unethical means ( Posing to be asking genuinely about their lives and so on... ) that shouldn't be a problem. I would be furious if anybody used such tactics on me.
All the best and don't worry!
1 person likes this
@brihanna (381)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Very well put, especially for a teenager. Most of whom believe that they are indestructable, and imortal. And no, I would never try to get information from them. I do not post comments to hem, I do not IM them, I do nothing but go onto thier sites and look, and take note.
Thank you.
@camara_me (615)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Im one of there friends on myspace and they dont keep nothing from me. Im all my nieces and nephews friends on there to. I even have there password, but i dont get on theres. If my kids do something bad. they tell me. cause they know that i will not blow up on them. I will just let them know how i feel about that and that i dont like it. Sometimes there things your not going to want to know. You cant be with them 24/7.
@hmike_d (1529)
• Philippines
24 Jan 07
They are you kids but they're not your own possession. If you know the meaning of privacy you won't initiate the same. Because, it seems they're normal and you must understand their activities as they start their pace of communication, relationship that is normal as a person. If you still continue to do so, there may be one day that you will laugh at your own. Seems you are cheating them. You can monitor them through other means. Talk to them, teach them about sincerity, good things.
@shedii (1486)
• India
24 Jan 07
I think what you are doing is wrong. I am telling you this from a teenage daughter's point of view. I joined myspace when I was 15-16yrs old & my dad was spying on me. What he did I don't know, but he even used to read some of my messages. One day I caught him. Actually by mistake he kept the message he was reading open & went to take shower. I was passing by & just looked if dad left internet connected because he many times forgets it. And when I looked at the message I was really shocked & felt really bad that I was just making some friends online. I felt like my parents don't trust on me at all. I didn't tell him I read the message. But whenever he came in front of me after that, I was really angry from inside & my reaction was really terrible I think. I really behaved like a bad teenager due to this. Then one day it came out of my mouth that I caught him reading my message. I trusted him so much & he was not having trust on me. After sometime everything became normal, but how I reacted was really bad. So it may be possible that if any day, your children caught you spying, they wouldn't be good with you.
@brihanna (381)
• United States
24 Jan 07
Ok, but weren't you invading your Dad's privacy by reading a message that you thought was to him? Also, I am not looking to be "good" with my kids. Being their friend is not my job. Making sure they are safe is my job. I hope someday you can make things better with your father, and know he was just looking out for you.
