When exactly is the "final straw" in a relationship?
By purplehaze
@purplehaze (661)
Philippines
February 1, 2007 10:10pm CST
My friend just had a major fight with her boyfriend recently. They have been going out for 4 months now and there seems to be one problem that they constantly argue and fight about. My friend feels that she is not being prioritized by her bf. When they are together, everything's great but the problem is, it is always my friend who makes the first move or find ways for them to meet and spend time with each other. The guy never had the initiative to visit her or even call her and when my friend confronts him everytime aboutit, his reason is always that he is still adjusting to their relationship. My friend keeps on accepting this reason for 4 months already because she really loves the guy and is willing to give him time to adjust. But now,she feels that she can't take it anymore. She keeps on wondering until when will her bf "adjust" and make her one of his top priorities.
So,how long does one really need to adjust in a relationship? Should she still give him another chance and wait or should she just move on and just forget about him?
10 people like this
66 responses
@Lauraleigh99 (4718)
• United States
2 Feb 07
Move on! If he is doing this after only 4 months he will only get worse. It is still the beginning of the relationship. A guy should want to spend time with the girlfriend. Tell her to find someone who will treat her better
3 people like this
@shiningfae (403)
• United States
2 Feb 07
Agreed! She should not have to fight to make him think that she's important. In a true relationship built on mutal trust, respect, and understanding, this would not be an issue. She's only wasted 4 months on this guy--tell her to go out and find someone who truly wants to be with her.
1 person likes this
@purplehaze (661)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
Actually, that was exactly what i wold her. Whether the boy is adjusting or not, he should at least make her feel that she is one of his top priorities now that they have commmitted themselves into the relationship.
@Lush_heidi (994)
• United States
2 Feb 07
I think she needs a break from him, it might give him a reality check and make him appreciate her. he needs to learn on his own and if she gives in to him,and lets him think this treatment is ok, he will keep on doing it. She deserves better,and Mr right may be out there waiting-instead of mr. right-now!
3 people like this
@kareng (59287)
• United States
2 Feb 07
It sounds like he doesn't have much interest in the relationship to me. I'd boot him on out the door. He really seems to not be making much of an effort at all and if he cared about her, he would be doing that naturally...without any boosting from her. If she insists on giving it another chance, she sould back off and let him take charge. If he doesn't, he isn't interested and no need for her to be wasting any more time on him.
2 people like this
@purplehaze (661)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
That's also exactly what i thought..spoken well. Thanks kareng!
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
Well the best thing that your friend can do is stop from making the first move. If the guy doesn't react to it then send an ultimatum maybe if that does not do well its worth leaving the relationship since its very obvious that the guy has some kind of commitment problems and guys like that need to have more space. If your friend can accomodate him to be like that what more when they are in a more serious relationship.
2 people like this
@purplehaze (661)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
Yes, i agree with myrrdin that giving ultimatums may not be a good solution. The guy might change because of that but it would be for a short term only because he's afraid of the ultimatum that you gave him. It would be more of an obligation to him rather than a sincere move or effort on his part.
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
2 Feb 07
Ultimatums are rarely a good thing in relationships. If you have to resort to emotional blackmail to get someone to do something then they will resent you for it. On the other hand its hard to avoid using them. I know I have given ultimatums before, yet it has always been bad. Your idea of stop making the first move is a good one, let it go a few weeks and see if he makes a move, if not well he may not be interested in continuing things.
2 people like this
@cultoffury (1283)
• India
2 Feb 07
Ask her to calmly sit down and talk to him. Try to find out what is wrong with her. Try to make him understand how much she loves her and he can share anything with her. Make him spit out the real reason, then she can act accordingly. If she can't do that, with her consent, you could try to do that. But first ask for her consent, because else she might feel that you are getting into her private issues. So somehow talk to him and find out what is wrong, once problem is identified then it can solved. Hope that helps.
2 people like this
@purplehaze (661)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
Thanks cultoffury! I've also told my friend that she should try talkiing to him again about this problem but she's not willing anymore. She said that this time,she wants the guy to make the first move to approach her and talk to her about their problem.. So far, still no move from the guy though..
@kbraves (6)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
I believe women mature faster than men. That's why in relationships, women get hurt more because of expectations. Perhaps you're friend can play hard to get for sometime to gauge just how will her bf miss her.
For me, the final straw in a relationship would be the loss of trust. This can result from many different reasons but it will be a personal experience. Meaning, the person can only sense and assess her feelings towards he SO to know if the relationship is through.
2 people like this
@purplehaze (661)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
Seems like her bf doesnt miss her or if he does, he doesnt show it at all. Because he would never make the first move to call or meet my friend..
@codewalker (33)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
4 months is still a short time for the relationship. Being in a relationship means being patient and giving. Give it some more time, and give each other the space. You know how guys are, they need lots of space and lots of time. Sometimes you also have to be frank about the relationship. Shout out for help if the boat is sinking. Maybe he's not hearing enough. Tell him your side and that what he's doing is hurting you so much. Draw a line somewhere so he'll think about what he is doing..But above all be strong to whatever it will lead you. Don't be sorry about it instead be glad that he's been a part of your journey through life.
2 people like this
@cheenlly (3476)
• Philippines
6 Feb 07
a guy like that is not yet ready for serious relationship so your friend should not expect anything and should not give her love 100%. More expectation will just hurt her. The more you insist and confront him the more it will not be serious. The guy is still doubting so she might as well decide whether to cut it off because if not they will still break up due to argument. will if they are really fate for each other maybe in the future they will meet when both are mature enough to face serious relationship.
1 person likes this
@XxAngelxX (2830)
• Canada
2 Feb 07
I think if it's been four months and he still isn't making her his number one priority then it's time for her to move on. I stayed in a relationship for thirteen years waiting to be put at the top of the list and it never happened. His friends and his job were always more important then me and the children. After so long, I finally smartened up and am moving on with my life, without him.
1 person likes this
@purplehaze (661)
• Philippines
6 Feb 07
Wow,thirteen years.. that's really a long time you have given your husband.. glad to hear that you have finally moved on without him..i know it's really hard but sometimes, something has to be done.. thanks angel for sharing.
@purplehaze (661)
• Philippines
6 Feb 07
i completely agree. What's worse than lying to you is when he lies while looking straight into your eyes or when he breaks a promise he knows is very important to you.
@pianoswirly1 (83)
• Australia
3 Feb 07
I don't think she should give him another chance. Although he may still be adjusting to the relationship, 4 months is way too long to not even receive a phone call! There is no initiative on his part, which indicates he just isn't interested enough in her. Also, shyness is no excuse after 4 months.
1 person likes this
@Rittings (673)
•
2 Feb 07
If you don't love them anymore, if they cheat, if they are dishonest and untrustworthy. There is no single definitive answer. It's all about individual cases...
But, you can't change a person. Habits are too hard to break, and are not the responsibility of your partner. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the fire.
2 people like this
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
2 Feb 07
Well I think that is a very personal issue, the final straw could be any number of things. Is your friend calling him every day, or is she giving him a chance to make the first move, is she naturally a motivated person that makes plans, perhaps he isn't. Maybe he is just used to her doing all that stuff and figures why should he when she does it.
Over all it would depend on the people involved, and the seriousness of the relationship.
2 people like this
@melissacus (441)
• United States
5 Feb 07
i think you need to give the boy a break. i mean, he is a boy, correct? they've only been dating for four months and if he's young, that's a pretty long time. maybe he just isn't the dominate kind of guy. maybe he doesn't have the courage to initiate things?? or maybe he's just not that interested in her. they've only been dating four months, you can't expect him to drop everything and make her the first on his list. then again, i don't really know the whole situation. yupyup
1 person likes this
@baysmummy (1637)
• Australia
3 Feb 07
Sounds like it is time for your friend to move on and find someone who will call her and want to see her and make her feel special instead of it always being her making the move!
If this guy is going to be like this in just 4 months of being together then imagine what he would be like after a year or more of being together!
1 person likes this
@mysthree (61)
• Philippines
3 Feb 07
Broke up with him! If the guy really loves your friend he will do the first move to make a reconciliation! But still advise her to think many times before accepting the guy again! I think the guy is abusing your friend ... Adjustment in any relationship is not for one person only, since they are called "partner", they should both adjust ... As i saw, its a one way relationship! Tell your friends to go out & meet new friends .... move on!
1 person likes this
@chuva_chuva2005 (96)
• Philippines
3 Feb 07
if i were your friend, she should not make the first move anymore since she's been doing it for how many times now...let the guy realize that she is worthy and that she deserves to be loved...probably they both need a space to make sure if both sides realy love each other...it should not be a one-sided relatipnshop...it takes two to tango....
1 person likes this
@kltejeda (101)
• United States
2 Feb 07
Not for nothing...but it's been said that you never get to fully "know" somebody. 4 months could be a long time to adjust for you but for others way too short. I've been down in Tampa FL for 2 years now and still have not adjusted. I lived in NYC for 19 years before moving and city life is a unique way of life that you just can't imitate outside of a big city. In a relationship, it's the same way. Your friend's bf's way of life before her is a huge factor. If he was having a lot of "fun" being single, settling down can be a rough change. I don't neccessarily say your friend should leave him, but there are thousands if not millions of fish in the sea. Besides...how old is she?
1 person likes this
@melissarenee (1)
• United States
2 Feb 07
I think if someone is really interested in the person they are dating they would make every effort to see them. I have never heard of anyone needing an adjusting period. I would say that he is being very clear about how he feels. He doean't seem to care for her the way she cares for him. If I were her I wouldn't make ANY effort to call or hang out and I would see what happens.
1 person likes this
@arlana72 (4)
• United States
3 Feb 07
LEAVE the young man alone. Men are suppose to be the chasers not women. You are too valuable to be hanging on to someone who has no interest in you. Adjustment is an excuse. If he had a bad break up then he should have taken some time to get over that situation. Also you need to seek what is going on inside of you to be chasing after him. Why are you chasing (initiating)? Valuable women who know their value waits for the one.
1 person likes this
