Talked to a friend ...
By mjsdls
@mjsdls (1840)
United States
February 24, 2007 1:36pm CST
of my the other day. I have not heard from her in a few years. She is a single mother. I will not reveal name because of privacy matters. But I need you advice. She asked me this question and I could not answer her.
She is single and raising here child with the help of her family. She has her own place but her family helps by babysitting without charging her when she is at work. They help anyway they can.
The father on the other hand work and is a decent guy but is very unstable in his ways. He moves alot, but works steady. He puts his family and friends before his child and do not make much of an effort to see his child much. he says he loves his child, but never sees him much.
He lives in the city and my friend lives in the country not far from her family. She wants to make her family legal gaurdians if something should happen to her. Not because the father is a bad guy, but he is very unstable and lives in the city and doesn't show much interest in being a part of his childs life.
My friend on the other hand want to keep her child in the country. Their is less chance of getting into drugd and he has more places to play in the country. Plus the child is more use to her family.
What should she do in your opinion? And how would she get this legal, she can not afford to hire a lawyer?
7 people like this
18 responses
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
24 Feb 07
well legal is different in each country, here is canada you can get legal aid which is free, so that is a hard question to answer.
perhaps she can call up a legal service or government and ask if there is anything available that is free for legal services.
3 people like this
@Aussies2007 (5336)
• Australia
25 Feb 07
She could only get it legal if the father give her permission to do so.
Does the child has the father's name... because if it has not... the child is not legally his.
She will also need a lawyer to make it legal. And the lawyer cannot do it on its own. It would need to apply for it to some government agency. She might actually be able to apply for it by herself... but it won't be easy. The government does not give children away just like that. They will investigate everything.
I don't actually know if she could make them legal gardians while she is alive. Because that is the equivalent of giving her child away. If the father decided to fight it... a smart lawyer could make the point that if she want to give her child away... it is natural for the father to get it. And the court would agree. So you have to be very careful with this.
3 people like this
@icequeen (2840)
• Canada
25 Feb 07
Well she could get child support from the father...If she can't afford a lawyer she could try and get some legal aid. I don't know if she wants the father involved. If he did pay he may be more likely to get involved with the child...maybe? Anyway...it is up to her what she wants to do...personally...it sounds like she and the child may be better off without him anyway....
@Signal20 (2281)
• United States
24 Feb 07
Generally, the parental rights take precedence over other family members. Unless the parent can be proven(and it takes an awful lot to do) to be unfit, or if the parent agrees that the other family member can take care of the child, then it would be allowed. What she should do, get a will together that says exactly what her wishes are. She should have all her documentation, like calendars made up with days marked, where he missed visitation, no child support, etc. This isn't hard core proof, but it's better then nothing and shows a pattern. If something did happen to her, maybe he'd be man enough to see the child would be much better cared for with her family, AND it would help a lot if they were very into him being a part of the child's life through visitation. Not all men(or women) are the bad guys in those situations. Usuallly when there is someone like that, their purpose is either money, or spitefulness. She could also try talking to him about it beforehand if they can communicate good, but if he's not that receptive, it may open a new can of worms...
2 people like this
@Signal20 (2281)
• United States
24 Feb 07
I hate to bring this up, but look at the Anna Nicole case right now. You have 3+ people claiming to be dad. Just because one is listed on the birth certificate, doesn't mean squat. That baby should be with grandma-the only known family member at this point, until this gets straightened out. Now, if she ends up not likeing who the dad is, she's going to have a very difficult time proving he's unfit to be a parent/have custody of the baby.
The court system in this country is so blind, and so stuck on the fact that a natural parent is always best for the child, and that is just so far from the truth a lot of the times.
2 people like this
@smilekeith (248)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Anna Nicole's mother has already proven that she didn't really show great child rearing skills. So why is she considered the the only one capable of raising a child in this case? If they do a DNA test, a lot can be determined and the case would be a non-issue.
@coolcatzz (1587)
• Canada
25 Feb 07
Wow I don't know if she can do that?? Without his knowledge anyways. Maybe do some online research to find out what her options are. Hopefully this will be nothing that will come up in her life and that she will be able to see her child grow up. But the father would have rights before her family. Now correct me if I'm wrong. I'm from Canada where the laws may be different.
@spangle (88)
•
24 Feb 07
Well, it does sound that although the father seems to care for the child, he's happy to let someone else take the responsibility for his off-spring.
What you have to think about, is if that anything did happen and your friend was no longer able to care for her child, the child would be distraught enough with out having to be up-rooted, as it were, to move to the city, and put in the care of someone who, lets face it, isn't that familiar to them.
The child would need some kind of stability. surely. I would say, yes, go with her family; she's not cutting dad out of the picture; I am assuming he would still be able to see the child if he chose to. Also, the fact that he moves around a lot would make it impossible for the child to have a home base.
As far as making it legal, isn't there some kind of legal aid your friend could find out about?
@CallMeDaddy (535)
• United States
24 Feb 07
I believe that the child should go with the family, not because the dad is bad but because it seems that the family would be better right now. If the father gets a little more stable in the future then I think some arrangements should be made. As far as the legal advice I really can't offer much help there.
@happymomndad (1035)
• United States
25 Feb 07
As I understand it you can draw a will and just have it notarized at the court house or something. There should be a way she can acomplish this. At most court houses they affer free help with paper work for someone inside the facility. I dont remember what thier title is but if you call the court house I think it is the fascilitator. You might sugest to her that she try that, that is how my husband is adopting my oldest without a lawyer.
1 person likes this
@spangle (88)
•
24 Feb 07
Well, it does sound that although the father seems to care for the child, he's happy to let someone else take the responsibility for his off-spring.
What you have to think about, is if that anything did happen and your friend was no longer able to care for her child, the child would be distraught enough with out having to be up-rooted, as it were, to move to the city, and put in the care of someone who, lets face it, isn't that familiar to them.
The child would need some kind of stability. surely. I would say, yes, go with her family; she's not cutting dad out of the picture; I am assuming he would still be able to see the child if he chose to. Also, the fact that he moves around a lot would make it impossible for the child to have a home base.
As far as making it legal, isn't there some kind of legal aid your friend could find out about?
2 people like this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
24 Feb 07
thats a hard one. i can understand her wanting to do this. i know were i am from you can unless he ok's it or you can prove he would not take care of the child or put the child in danger. i can see how see would want to do this but with out a lawer and a good reason to the court i don't think she can. we see her reason and it should be good enough but alot of times its not to the court.
2 people like this
@mfpsassy (2827)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Tell her to go to the court house with the family members she wishes to care for her son if anything should happen to her and file papers for gaurdian adlidium the courts will notify the father and as long as he agrees that's all there is to it but let her know his family is entitled to do the same but courts do take into consideration who has taken care of the child the most
1 person likes this
@nicolec (2671)
• United States
24 Feb 07
If she really wants her family as legal guardians, should anything happen there are two things she should do. One, talk to her family. Let them know her wishes. Let them know that she stills want the father to be an active part in the childs life but she wants them to take care of the child. Two, make a will and a living will. this can be done on the internet. there are lots of sites that give standard froms based on where she lives. Most of these sites are free, or at most a minimum fee. Make sure her wishes are specific as to what she wants. Than have some one sign it. Make copies and be sure they are in a safe place. She can even give a copy to you to hold on to. I think that is the best thing to do and you don't need an attorney.
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
24 Feb 07
From what you've said about the father, it seems that although he cares for his child, he's more than happy to let someone else do the hard work.
If anything happened to your friend that left her unable to care for her child, then that child is going to be upset enough without being moved away from what he knows and going to someone that he doesn't see much and may not even know.
I would advise your friend to make her family the legal guardians of her son. That way at least the child will have people that he knows and trusts around him in the event that something nasty happens to his momma.
She may have to hire a lawyer to make this legal. If its not legal and something happens, then the father will have every right to go in and make a claim for his son. Then it will go to court anyway and her family may lose the child. Maybe her family could help her with the lawyer fees, or maybe she could find a lawyer that doesn't charge. Sometimes for low income parents, lawyers might charge a reduced rate or have the state pay them instead.
Good luck to your friend in sorting this out.
2 people like this
@NatureBoy (493)
• Singapore
25 Feb 07
Well, if there is proof of the dad not showing as much concern as the family is showing, there's a better chance. Of course, that doesn't mean to stop the father from visiting the child. ( that would be against the law ). Start planning and setting aside monies and plans for the child, this will show the court (if ever needed) that her care and concern for the child is long term. Make things happen.
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
25 Feb 07
I have a very similar situation with my youngest son and his father. Not a bad person, pays child support but doesn't have contact with his son, and he only lives 8 miles from us. My parents have said flat out - if he doesn't care about his son now how is he going to care about him if something happened to me.
Parents have said flat out "He will not get him and they have the money to hire the lawyers and fight him."
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
25 Feb 07
Since he is the father chances are he would get the child if something happened to her unless he could be found to be a bad parent. My first advice would be for her to talk to legal aide. They do not charge and could give her very good advice. Also since he is not taking much of an interest he might not fight it if it happened. She may want to ask him if he would sign the papers saying that if something would happen to her the child would go to her family. I would say if she is going to do that she should do that soon while he still wants the fancy free life. I think her chances of getting him to do that now would be better then later. As sad as it is some people enjoy making babies but not taking the responsibility that comes along with it. I so hope she is getting child support from him and if not she needs to talk to legal aide about getting his wages garnished to ensure the child is being looked after financially. I hope everything works out for your friend.
@sugarnspice (110)
• United Arab Emirates
25 Feb 07
IMHO, she needs to get her parents, and the child's father together and have a discussion regarding the child's future. If her parents are happy to be the child's legal guardians in the event of something happening to her, and if the child's father has no objection (which it seems he won't) then she can find out about legal aid in her area, and have a legal document filled out which will ensure that the child will be brought up by her parents. She should be sure however, not to cut out the father from the chld's life, maybe, he will at some stage settle down to a stable life and will be a good father and (maybe husband?)
All the best to your friend.
