Husband talking to a Thirteen year old girl

Why would you threaten divorce and then not divorce him? He has you pegged and is pushing your buttons by telling friends that you are trying to control him. He has kept you in a defensive stance where you might actually be in danger of aiding and abetting a pedophile. There IS something "funny" going on if he will disregard your wishes in favor of this girl, whether her mother is present or not. If she is drinking and smoking then her mother doesn't care what she does. I suggest you get a lawyer to protect yourself because this has bad written all over it.

wow hon, I'm so sorry to hear your dealing with this. doesn't he see that this is hurting you and destroying your marriage? its seems to be this young girl likes the fact that she is causing the trouble.I"m sure the is no funny business going on hon or you would not be there and would we responsible enough to report any wrong doings.why do some men always see woman pointing out issues as trying to control them?? I had a similar problem i had a boyfriend who ran every time the phone ran for an ex-girlfriends daughter. now before anyone says I'm horrible let me explain.this young was totally infatuated with him and it was clearly unhealthy.it said she just wanted attention and needed his help.her mom would call saying if she call hang up she knew what the young girl was doing.but she was smart she would call drunk from a school dance threatening to walk home alone.of course he would run and get her when her mom was home waiting and would have gone right away.we ended up breaking up over it i just could not deal with it hon.you husband just has to understand all he has to lose by maintaining this silly relationship.if you ever need a shoulder I'm here hugs Cheryl

It sounds like when you decided to cut her out of your lives your husband did not agree to that decision. If your husband perceives you as being controlling you both probably need counseling to resolve those issues. Your husband obviously has not given up on trying to help this person. Threatening to divorce someone is an effort to control them through emotional and financial blackmail. It would be interesting if your husband came on and you let him discuss his point of view. Is this girl a relation of yours? of his? How you came to find her would also be interesting. Your husband may share a bond with this girl because he saw you were trying to control her life also. Ironically you may have set the stage for that bond to be created.

First of all, I don't need to judge you; you haven't done anything; If anything, HE looks pretty suspect for dealing with a minor; That kind of thing is ILLEGAL and he CAN go to JAIL for it too; Has he thought about that?Let me say this to you, if he cannot stop this, then YOU need to consider whether or not you should put up with this or move on to something better for you. But I will say this; you did control him when you did the actions you did but you did it to save your marriage. He in turn, rebelled against you; The best thing to do at this time to consider whether or not you should carry out on a divorce. bottom line.

First and foremost, you are in my prayers. I have to say that I think there is something going on. Make sure you protect yourself. I think there is going to be some serious trouble.

I have never had this problem, thank God. I totally understand you being upset. I can't understand what good intentions your husband would have for talking with this young girl. Something just does not seem right about this situation. I would certainly be putting a stop to this situation...quickly before something worse than talking happens. I pray that nothing does happen but it just doesn't add up to me. Maybe I am just reading into it wrong. It will be interesting in seeing what others have to say about this situation. Thanks for sharing. God Bless You.

If you are sure nothing is going on and they only see each other in the presence of the mother then I am not sure I understand what you are upset about. Do you think he is messing with her mother? If she was a friend of both of you and you ended the friendship, you have the right to end YOUR friendship with her but you do not have the right to end your husband's friendship with her, that is entirely his decision. Maybe he still feels he can be of some help to this girl. What concerns me is the things you say she is doing. If I knew a 13 year old girl was doing this type of stuff I would file an anonymous report with social services. If her mother is allowing it, that is child abuse and neglect. You sound like a very controlling person, changing your husband's cell and threatening a divorce. I am also a very controlling person, but nothing lowers your self-esteem more than issuing a bottom line threat like divorce and then when he crosses that line, you don't follow through, so don't issue anymore ultimatums unless you are sure you will follow through with the threat. As long as nothing is going on, I really don't get what your problem is, just because you don't like his choice of a friend doesn't mean you get to decide who his friends are and are not. My husband has friends I can't stand but I don't stop him from being their friend and I am a very controlling person. You can, however, insist that your husband not bring her to the house since she disrespected you and he should respect your wishes. If not, you should get the book, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum and re-evaluate your relationship. Good Luck.

First of all, I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. Personally I do not think that it is normal for an older married man to have contact with a 13 year old girl the way your husband is having with the girl in question. I do not think you are being controlling, infact I think your husband is being very disrespectful to you. If this girl chose to throw your help and kindness back in your face then your husband should be sticking up for you and proud that you tried to help. I am thinking that maybe the way this girl acts towards your husband is making him feel young and attractive again. For some reason when some men get older they feel the need to be wanted by younger women/girls as this gives them an ego boost and something to brag to their friends about. I think what this girl needs is someone her own age or maybe a good guidance counsellor as she sounds like she has a lot of troubles.

I do not reall understand what a grown man has incommon with a 13 year old and u really need to make it stop. he should not be communicating with her since he in a way now is disrespecting you and what u have decided was best for you and your family and that is just wrong.

I am quite sorry to hear you are having this problem. What I have to say is only my opionion but it is based upon some past experiance. When you brought this girl into your life did you bring her into your home? Did she stay with you for awhile so you could give her that influance you thought she needed?If so then you have to know that two women, yes even a teenager or should I say especially a teenager, can not live in the same house for long without problems. Just a fact of life and it happens to almost everyone. Now add the fact you were not her real mother and it made it even worse. It seems to me that teen girls are always very attracted to older men. And if she wants to get at you for something who better than your husband. Men in general are a real sucker for any girl or woman who pays attention to them and in some cases if they think they may be able to help that girl in any way it is very hard for a man to see any wrong in it. And when his wife is trying to point out that this relationship is not a good one then we seem to look at that as though mom is trying to tell us what is good or bad for us all over again. Of course your not his mom but very few men want to be told what they are doing wrong especially if they see no harm in it. So what can you do? Your only real options are to either follow through on your divorce threat or get his attention some other way. Try to make him see what this girl is doing and why she is doing it. I know you have tryed but perhaps if you talked to him in a questioning mode, not threatning way. Does he understand what happened between you and her? Why even though you have ask him to stop talking with her does he still do it? Put the quetions in such a way that you are not critizising him but only trying to understand. When you are critical his defense goes up and it is all over. Wish I could be of more help. Don't give up on him over this issue. It is not done to hurt you but only because it is reaching something in him that has not been there for awhile. But make him see this is not a normal realtionship anyway you can.

if you are sure that talking is all theyr doing ,he may just be trying to help her however this is a very dangerous thing and is unhealthy for your relationship he needs to stop it unless he truly wants to ruin your marriage

Hi aim really sorry for what you are going through and ofcourse i will pray for you and hope everything works out well. Iam not even sure if i should given an opinion on this because iam not very much older than the teenager but then i thought maybe i should write to you because i feel i 'know' why she is doing what she is doing. Most teenagers have huge crushes on older guys specially if they come from troubled homes. And if the guy seems friendly and understanding the better! and YOU trying to stop your husband makes you the villian in the girls mind. I am not sure you might have done anything intentially to hurt or insult her BUT the very fact that you 'own' the guy that she has a crush is enough to make you a 'bad' person. And no matter how nice you are with her in her mind you will never be the 'nice' person. First get help for the girl through her mother or couselling or child protection. The girl needs help before you can help yourself or your husband. I really cannot say why your husband wants to help the girl but i know why the girls 'wants' your husband's help. The more you try to resolve the issue without 'taking care' of the girl the more trouble its going to be. You need to speak to her mom and make her understand how this 'relationship' is affecting your marriage. As much as possible avoid direct confrontation with the girl. Because the more she feels you are trying to 'save' you and your husband from the more 'bad' you are going to become. So first take care of the girl. And ofcourse just remember this will pass too. Its just a storm in the teacup but make sure YOu dont end up breaking the cup. Take care and i will pray for you :)cheers

You know when we look at the WHY's it is easier to understand why people do what they do. Even in the worst of situations, like with child molestors....you still have to look at the why. It is easier to understand the individul, even though we may not agree with the behavior. I have thought about this and here is what I have come up with. You tried to help this girl, and it didn't go very well. Maybe your husband feels that he needs to make up for where you and her fell through. A sense of compensation. Maybe he has a genuine interest in her health and well being and wants to be there for her as a role model and a support. Does the girl have a father figure? If not, maybe he wants to be that to her. I guess by looking at his motives for talking to her, maybe that would give you more understanding. I am just trying to throw some things out there, I don't know the entire situation. I mean why is it upsetting to you that he is talking to her? Is it because your relationship with her is no longer there, so then he should not continue a realtionship either? Or do you just feel that it is inappropriate? I mean if they talk on the phone and when he sees her it is supervised, I don't see a problem. Unless it is interfering in your daily lives...outside the fact you no longer want contact with her. I mean is it upsetting other things in your household like activities, work, ect.? If so then there are some boundary issues that your husband needs to look at and address. I guess I would ask him why he continues to speak with her. Does he feel it is helping the girl, or himself? If it is helping him only then there is an issue with that. I am sure I could go on, but I do understand where you are coming from and I hope this helps. Good luck.

Have you tried talking to the mother of this girl and seeing if she will put a stop to it? I know it might not help since she lets her drink and smoke but anything is possible. I used to know a girl who had a child who tried to get close with every man she came into contact with, when they quuit responding to her she would say they did bad things to her. Your husband could very well find himself in the same situation if he continues to deal with this 13 year old. Also if she is contacting him via cell phone you can go into his cell and bolck her number, that way her calls will not go through. If she calls from a different number after that than block it also. If that works than after a while he may think she doesn't want to talk to him anymore and leave her alone. I hope you can solve this problem before it ruins your relationship with your husband because if you didn't still love him you would be gone already. Best of luck.

I have visited the blog and left a comment too. I would say, there is definately something wrong and you are not wrong if you are acting suspicious of this thing. I would rather accompany him to her pace next time if he is going there and would support him in seeing her and would offer to spend time with both of them just to see the chemistry between them. that would actually send the message to the girl that you two are a team and if they want to spend time togather They have to come out in the open and atleast one sided decsion would be taken finally. I mean it will all be out in the open once and for all. If you love someone set it free , if it comes back its always was yours if it does not it was never yours. Are you sure you are not the only one clinging to keep the relationship going and steady?

I have visited the blog and left a comment too. I would say, there is definately something wrong and you are not wrong if you are acting suspicious of this thing. I would rather accompany him to her pace next time if he is going there and would support him in seeing her and would offer to spend time with both of them just to see the chemistry between them. that would actually send the message to the girl that you two are a team and if they want to spend time togather They have to come out in the open and atleast one sided decsion would be taken finally. I mean it will all be out in the open once and for all. If you love someone set it free , if it comes back its al;ways was yours if it does not it was never yours. Are you sure you are not the only one clinging to keep the relationship going and steady?

I think he is on the road to trouble. If she is from a bad family and needed extra help or someone to talk to, that is one thing but it should be with BOTH of you. The fact that he is going to her house and DRINKING with a 40 some year old, a 19 year old and a 13 year old, right there is enough to send me over the edge. Why would he have to go drink with them(sorry if this is from your blog. He may be flattered by the attention but honestly that will get him in trouble. My sister in law is 14 and my husband is 27 and he often says he doesn't understand how that age group works anymore. It is his sister and he sometimes can't find the right words to talk to her because of the age gap so why would your husband...someone unrelated to this girl need to talk to her? If my husband totally ignored what I thought was a serious problem, I would leave so that I wasn't part of the problem anymore. Sometimes being attached to someone on an emotional level is worse than physically cheating. ((HUGS))

No , I would kill my husband if he did that...Sorry but that it me.. He would not be seeing her unless they ran into each other (not planed). He is a man that should tell you something... Why would he want to talk to her if it causes a disagreement between you and him... If he needs to talk to someone tell him to talk to one of his guy friends. Maybe he is interested in her for some reason. You need to ask why ? Why was she disrespectful to you and not to him ? Maybe she makes him feel better about himself because she talks to him with respect and looks up to him. Why does the mother let her talk t him ? Since you are still there you must love him. So set him down and ask him why he is still talking to this girl who disrespected you so badly. ASk him what is in it for him. What is he going to get out of it. What do they talk about.Why doesn't he talk her into getting her some friends her own age.. I just think if he knows she was disrespectful to you that he is letting you down as a husband.. You know the 13 year old is getting a kick out of your husband picking to talk to her even if you are getting mad at him for it. I really do not know what this says about your marriage or your husband... Are they both trying to get back at you for getting her out of your life but why ?? You live there.. You are the only one of us that know what was going on or you must have had a ideal what was going on between them. Who knows kindness, friends. This sounds like a little to close of friends if you ask me... I hope you get things worked out..Bless You.. I guess I would ask him if talking to that 13 year old girl is worth losing me ?

Okay, first of all - I don't judge you at all. I don't think you're in the wrong here, I think your husband is. This is just so wrong, and I'm sorry to say this, but everything is negative. At best, your husband is choosing to communicate and drink with a 13 year old over spending time and commiting to your marriage with you. At worst, something is going on between him and this girl, and if not, it may soon be. It seems that this HAS been brought up with your husband, and he is choosing to disregard what you say, and making the argument of being "controlled" by you. It seems like he is trying to pick arguments and making you back off by saying you're controlling, which is not a good sign. I read the latest two entries in your blog , and the second one really disturbed me. He actually called you to tell you he was working late, only to come home drunk and admit he was actually at this girl's house? And not to stir things up, but how can you be sure there was anyone else there at her house with her? How do you KNOW that it wasn't just him and the girl, drinking and doing who knows what? If he isn't doing anything wrong, why lie about it? Why not admit that yes, he was at the girl's house? Either way, the fact that he is there, despite you expressing your feelings, is wrong. If he only talks to her to be a mentor, then fine, let her come over to your house WITH YOU PRESENT for an hour a two a day, so the two can talk and he can give her advice or whatever he says he's doing. If there's nothing going on, why wouldn't he agree to that? Of course, the goal here is to get her out of your life. I don't see why he is protesting so much, since he has a lot to lose. It seems like he'd rather be pegged a pervert, lose his wife, and risk being sent to jail, over this girl. And let me tell you something else to consider, because it sounds like this girl likes trouble, as mentioned before: If nothing is going on, and hopefully nothing is, what if for any reason, this girl decides to accuse him of something? Both your lives will fall apart if this doesn't stop. If he's doing nothing wrong, but decides to listen to you and cut off contact, you can't rule out her crying wolf. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen, but you can't rule anything out for a girl who loves trouble and drinks and smokes to top it off. Involving Child Services would be a good idea here, and explain to them that this is what she does, and how she seems to have some kind of abnormal interest in your husband, without stating that your husband has spent a lot of time with this girl (unless you do want to tell them this part of the situation, and deal with what comes after that). By mentioning that she has this interest, then if nothing is going on and she tries to accuse your husband, it can help you both. Although, to be honest, if she does accuse him, they can do things like check phone records, emails and chats, and it will not look good for your husband. Basically, you want to play it safe on every angle here. It might be wise to consult with a lawyer and tell them everything that's going on. Either way, document everything. You're innocent here and the last thing in the world you need is to be brought down by either your husband, or this trouble girl. Someone stated before to fight fire with fire by telling people your husband spends time with a 13 year old girl. I personally would advise against this because it will ruin both your reputations. You'll be seen as allowing your husband to spend time with a 13 year old girl - just avoid this at all costs. I've written a lot, but I do hope things work out for you, that nothing is going on between your husband and this girl, and that this all stops. You are not being controlling, and you're not overreacting - do not think this, because your husband WANTS you to think this so you back off. Again, this is dangerous and suspicious. Please take care of yourself, and do what is best for you at this point. Your husband has completely disregarded your feelings and is showing no respect or committment do you or this marriage - that is why right now, look out for what is best for YOU. Good luck.

This is a potentially dangerous situation. Firstly, what would your husband have to say to a 13 year old kid? I can carry on polite conversation with a young kid about school and life and whatnot (when I am visiting their parents) but after about 5 minutes I have run out of things to talk about because we are just at 2 different points in life. Also, most kids would rather be talking to their friends or playing than talking to their parents friends. I would be worried because although she might see your husband as a father figure ( you didn't mention whether she had a father in her life) your husband may be helping this child to grow a weird attachment to him. It may lead to other things that I just don't want to delve into (not that I am saying your husand is like that) but the girl may end up "falling in love" and end up stalking him, when he doesn't return the favour she may resort to blackmail to your family. I knew a girl one time that used blackmail with a family she babysat with for money. It ended up going to court and the man was found innocent but he will always be seen by some eyes as a ditry man. This girl may say that he was inappropriate with her. I am sorry but say what you want, the courts would be more apt to believe her. This could dirty your name, land your husband in jail and ruin everything. Why is your husband so adament about continuing to talk to this child? Even going so far as to say he would divorce you? That is very extreme. Could you maybe suggest conselling for this child to get her help? I would myself, be contacting a counsellor or a lawyer and letting them know what is happenening and seeing what your rights are.