Dreading Upcoming Visit...What To Do...
By twoey68
@twoey68 (13627)
United States
March 6, 2008 7:04am CST
I have a problem that I need to resolve or at least get off my chest and most of the ppl on MyLot are really good at helping each other out so I'm hoping someone here might be able to do that for me. This is long so get comfortable.
Little history first: My Mom and Dad were divorced when I was 5. My Dad remarried and they had two children, a girl and a boy. My Dad also had 2 children from his first marriage to my Mom, myself and my older Brother. After the divorce we lived with my Mom for a couple years then moved back with my Dad for almost 3 years (my half sister was ages 1-3 when we lived there and my half brother was just born when she was 2). My oldest Brother and I moved back with my Mom just before I was 10. At 17 I moved back to my Dad's and lived there for somewhere around 6 months to a year. My half sister was 11 at the time and my half brother was 9.
To say my half sister and didn't get along is an understatment. She resented having to share her home, family and Dad with me and I felt I had just as much right to be with my Dad and live in that house as she did. We fought ALOT. We told each other we hated one another and wished the other was dead. It was terrible. I had a horrible temper and alot of problems with dealing with the divorce and she thought she was like royalty and little Miss Perfect.
Well, I moved away before I turned 18 and never went back. We didn't speak to each other. As I grew up, I learned alot and dealt with the problems I'd had with the divorce. I wrote to my Dad and told him I was sorry for all the trouble I'd been and hoped we could move on and get past it. A couple of times over the years I got maybe 2-3 letters from my half sister...mostly rants...about how much she hated me, how I'd ruined her childhood, what a terrible person I was, ect. I just ignored them and moved on. Then a couple years ago, I started getting Christmas cards with pics of her kids in them. We've emailed each other a couple times and things seemed to be alright. I thought she'd gotten over it as well.
Well, a couple of months ago, my Mom called and told me that my Dad, Stepmom, my half sister and her two kids were all coming down for a visit. Apparently, my oldest Brother talked to my half sister on the phone from my Moms and that's how she knew about the visit. I asked my Brother about it and he said yes, they were coming down (from Michigan). I called my Dad and he said yes, they were but probably not till April. So, here I am getting nervous and excited about the visit.
Then yesterday I'm going through my email and there's an email from my half sister. I open it and it's about 5 lines long and talks about do I think she's forgotten how I locked her in the closet or all the things I did to her and what makes me think she wants to visit me and call me sister and act like nothing happened. I was shocked. I called my Dad and she happened to be there so I talked to her and told her I was trying to figure out what the h*ll she was talking about in the email. She says she didn't write it, that some hacker got into her email and must have sent it. Ok, so I let it go...she gave me her cell number and told me to call her later last night. I went to the store and kept thinking about it...something about it bothered me. Then it dawned on me. How would a hacker know we didn't get along as kids, how would a hacker know we don't call each other sister? Personally, I think she sent it and then didn't want to admit to sending it and thought up the hacker story to excuse it. But this also opens up the whole visit thing...I don't want to deal with a visit that is going to be her idea of revenge for when we were kids. I've lived here in Missouri for 17 years and she's never come to see me and to be honest, I think the visit was mostly arranged to see my Brother and I just jumped the gun and assumed that it included me. I'd love to see my Dad and Stepmom again but I don't think I want to see my half sister...not right now anyways.
So, what do you think I should do? Talk to my Stepmom about it? Ignore it? Be extremely busy during their visit? By the way, when I tried to call her cell phone last night, she never answered.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
15 people like this
32 responses
@wrdsofwisdm (1069)
• United States
6 Mar 08
Everyone has some kind of painful experience from their past. Some just won't let things go and they stay emotionally stuck for the rest of their lives. Your half sister is one of them. I don't have any siblings but my mom has 2 brothers and they each had one daughter. I'm the oldest and the middle one always treated me like dirt. I have no choice but to deal with her from time to time...but when she gets out of line, I straighten her out real quick...but not in front of family. I don't like her but she is family so I deal with her by playing "the game" so as to throw her off and it works. I see how emotionally miserable she is. She is married with 3 children and hasn't learned the true meaning of love.
Sometimes, therapy doesn't work for people like my cousin and your half sister because they refuse to emotionally heal and grow. Why would they when they can use the past pains as an excuse for their bad behavior? This is not your problem, it's hers. The game I mention...when I have to see her, it's usually around family so I smile, say hi and give her a strong hug, which always throws her off because I know she is not a hugger, lol. I always look my best because she always wanted to look more like me. I play with her children...what's she going to do in front of family about that? I am polite to her but don't go over board with it.
If I were you, I would meet the family somewhere you don't regularly go to and hug everyone including her to start with. Then if she starts acting out against you, I would get up, say my goodbyes to everyone else and tell dad to give you a call if he'd like to see you before he goes and leave. She's the one that will make a huge as* of herself and you're the one that shows class. It may not sound like much, but it is very gratifying to leave them looking like the infantile messes they are. As for the email, just let it go for your own sake...she is playing games to make you squirm before she gets to your town. Don't fall for that. You need to ignore it because it pleases her to get under your skin. She is still living in the past and that's just pathetic.
@wrdsofwisdm (1069)
• United States
6 Mar 08
Thanks twoey. Nothing is more gratifying that beating them at their own game by being nice. I love it!
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
6 Mar 08
You certainly lived up to your id of Words of Wisdom. I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't do hugs b/c personal space is a big deal to me...if I want to hug I will but I wig out on ppl that just up and hug me :) Thanks though for all the advice...I think it will help alot.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
10 Mar 08
It depends on what kind of relationship you have with your stepmom. If it is a good one than I would talk to her explain that you received a email and what was contained in it. Ask her what she thinks. I would also try to contact my half sister again. You want an enjoyable visit and it sounds like your half sister is looking to start trouble. She needs to let the past be just that the past. You are a adult and the things you did when you were younger were just that because you were a child. She needs to move on.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160663)
• United States
7 Mar 08
Wow, you have a step sister like my cousin, sort of. Wacko!!! I would meet with them, for the sake of my dad, but not meet with her in private at all. If she wants to be an a$$ she should be forced to do it in front of witnesses. I would not waste my time trying to call or e-mail her in anyway. You might, next time, save any nasty e-mail and let anyone critical of your part see it. You do not say how you got along with your step mom. Even if you guys were mean to each other as kids, the time is long past for vindictiveness. It is time for her to grow up and get past all of her childish opinions. I think I might even invite my Dad to a coffee by ourselves, but not discuss her, as it would hurt him, too.
1 person likes this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
8 Mar 08
what I think you should do is pour out your heart and your true feelings in a letter or email addressed to this crazy half sister of yours, tell her how you do not want to fight, and how you cannot change the past though you are dreadfully sorry if you caused her or anyone else any pain, you were a kid then and you were also hurting about the divorce. You are really sorry and and as adults you would hope that everyone would forgive and forget and get on with the business of living and trying to be a family.
then you should send a copy to your mom, dad, step mom, brother, and other step sibling.
everyone will know what your feelings are and nobody can say otherwise.
If she comes and starts trouble tell her you will not fight with her, you wish her the best and walk away
1 person likes this
@sizzle3000 (3036)
• United States
8 Mar 08
The first thing is why were you jumping from one house hold to the next while you were growing up. Was there no stable home for you. Maybe you have to deal with these issues before you can see these people again. Are you close to your father and step mother and keep in touch. There are lots of questions that are unanswered to be able to give straight advise.
I am a product of divorce. My father could not handle being a father. The fool dropped me in my crable when I was three months old. My Aunt tried to kill him for that. Then my mom pushed him down a flight of stair to keep him from hurting me. These are all things that really happened. I did get adopted by my dad now. He is wonderful. Through the years I have learned that it takes more to being a dad that just being a sperm donor. A dad is someone you can talk to. He is someone who is supposed to protect you no matter what and love you unconditionally. It doesn't mean I left your mom and I have a new family and you do not count.
The first bit of advise I have for you is get some counselling. I do not mean this is a bad way. I know from being a child of divorce that there are a lot of things you need to work through. I have a brother and two sisters all half. I have nothing to do with any of them. We were raised apart and we are very differnt people. There is also some tension because I was adopted and ended up with a loving caring father and they had a jerk for a father. In time they may want a relationship with me but that will be up to them. I met them and tried to get along but we were are over the age of thirty when we met and it takes time.
Talk to your father one on one let him know how you feel. Make your father understand that you love him and just want him to love you back. Your relationship with your father is the most important thing. In the long run you do not need to have a relationship with a half sister unless you want there to be one. When you are from a broken home you have a lot of issues and demons and you need to work through them. The problem is your mom and dad both need to work through these with you.
In time when you have dealt with your childhood issues you will be able to have a healthy relationship with your half brother and sisters. Dealing with divorce is not easy and it sounds like you had your plateful. It also sounds like you may have been lacking some serious guidance by your parents. As far as the sister don't worry about it. We do not have to like everyone we are related to. I don't associate with half my family because I am sane and they are not. LOL.
I wish you luck and I would not let one person stop me from seeing my father if that is what I truely wanted to do.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
8 Mar 08
You should talk to your dad and step mom. Tell them about the email and that you don't think you "sister" is coming to bury the hatchet, she may be coming to get some revenge.Tell your parents that you would Love to see them but you feel really uncomfortable seeing your "sister".Lay it all out and go from there.
1 person likes this
@killahclaire (3665)
•
6 Mar 08
I know this may sound terrible if not true but do you think this girl may be a bit of a drinker. Her behaviour being so erratic really does sound like she may have a little bit too much to drink sometimes.
I have a bit of a crazy family as you may well know and we are all cut up and all over the place a little similar to yours so I do know how hard it can be knowing where you stand and when you should trust someone.
It sounds to me that your "sister" is a little bit torn up over everything and as she was so young when all this was originally going on there is a good chance that her version of events are far from the truth and she may have chosen to believe what she wants to and not actually what went on.
It sounds to me like she has definately decided to blame you for a lot of things, and I am not saying that you were to blame but being a young girl in a torn up family I can not blame her. She may have become attached to you in your short stays more than you realised and when you left each time it may have hurt her.
My advice to you is to try and speak to her before she comes down and try and build up a friendship with her. It won't be easy - even for yourself as you know but she is family after all.
I think though if she chooses not to accept the chance to become friends with you then you should maybe just invite your father and his wife for dinner to your house and make clear, but politely that your sister is not to come as well.
This means that you will get to see your Dad and hopefully start to build a good relationship with him without all the added stress of your sister.
I know that it is all your family, and it would be great if families could always get on but I think we both know that doesn't always happen.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
6 Mar 08
I don't think she's a drinker...as far as I know. But I do think she may have...I don't know...some screws loose.
I know it was hard on her as a kid...it was for me too. I realize I was messed up and blamed alot on everyone else. For the longest time I convinced myself that if it wasn't for my stepmom, half sister and half brother that my parents would get back together. Messed up, I know. She and I were jealous over each other and resented each other. The thing is though I grew out of it. I learned that parents get divorced...it happens. And the kids are often caught in the middle. I thought she'd grown out of it too. I haven't gotten a rant letter from her since before I met Hubby 8 years ago...now I get this email.
My Mom has mentioned all of us getting together and going out for dinner and that may be an option. That way I can see my Dad and Stepmom and avoid my half sister.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@killahclaire (3665)
•
6 Mar 08
Well maybe it is an option but obviously it would be better for everyone if you could try and make friends before this night cos the last thing you want is tense atmosphere or something worse like her kicking off.
Maybe just send her a couple of text messages and she how she responds but try and make them positive things like you are really looking forward to meeting her kids or whatever.
You would think that maybe she has learned that it wasn't all your fault but maybe she just wants to blame it on you instead of blaming it on the whole situation.
Best of luck though and just remember to take lots of deep breaths.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
6 Mar 08
Well, I sent her back an email this morning and told her that if she didn't send the email then she needed to contact gmail and her provider so they can find out who her hacker is.
If she did send the email and doesn't want to admit it then she still has issues and there is no law that says we have to see each other when she comes to visit my Brother.
That's about the best I can do right now.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@jillmalitz (5131)
• United States
6 Mar 08
Your relationship with your half sister sounds a lot like my the relationship my 12 year old granddaughter has with her father and his stepdaughter. Since my granddaughter lives with her mom and stepfather she doesn't get much time with her father who always finds excuses to skip out on her. He always favors his stepdaughter over her and the whole thing is sad. Luckily my granddaughter has outgrown most of the jealousy and bitterness and takes everything in stride for the most part. Now that you are grown I hope you and your family can get past things. It is too bad that your half sister still apparently has issues. If I were you I would ignore it and be the better person. You have to look at the whole picture and not a corner of it. If it will make you happy to see your family make the best of it and dont fall for any stuff your sister may do.It sounds like she is insecure and has to be the center of attention. Enjoy the family time, it may not happen again. Though it will indeed be hard to do, be the better person and try to enjoy the visit of the family not just her. Forgive her so that you may move on to an enjoyable life.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
6 Mar 08
I do want to see my Dad and Stepmom again. I got to see them for the first time in 21 years last summer and even at 4 hours it was painfully short. Thankfully I've grown up alot and learned alot about life and my Stepmom and I get along pretty well now. My half sister seems to still have alot of issues and I really don't want to deal with it. My half brother isn't coming so I don't know how he feels...if anything. We've talked a couple of times on the phone...really basic How you doing type stuff. As for forgiving her, there's nothing to forgive. We were kids in a tough situation. We're grown up now, I really don't know her except what my Stepmom has told me about her so it's not like we've ever been close to each other.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@anonymili (3138)
•
7 Mar 08
Golly what trauma! To be frank I would not bother trying to understand this person who hasn't been able to let go of stuff after so many years. Maybe you guys were never meant to get along? It seems you want to see your dad and stepmum so do make the effort to see them but I would suggest you just say hello to your half sister and don't pay her too much attention. She sounds slightly odd to me, acting all normal on the phone but then sending emails like that and you did say she used to write you letters before too with similar stuff in, so it's fairly certain that she emailed you too! Don't let her irrational behaviour spoil your time with your dad and stepmum. Hope it all goes well. xx
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
7 Mar 08
I think that you should go to your brother's house to see them. There is no need to be alone with her in your home or have her in your home at all. She obviously needs to deal with the past and let it go. Do not let this woman cause you to lose any sleep or ruin your visit with your parents.
Apparently, she is not willing to admit to what she is doing when anyone else is around, so make sure you are never alone with her. It is sad when people are not able to forgive and take responsibility for what they have done. This is why she still feels like a victim. She is blaming you for everything.
Do not take on this problem, this is her problem. She needs to deal with it. When you go there, be nice and respectful to her, but do not play into her childish little games, because this is what she wants. People who do not properly deal with the past will continue to bring it up over and over again as a way of punishing the other person.
1 person likes this
@fpd1955 (2074)
• United States
7 Mar 08
It sounds like she is a "closet" hater of you. When you called your dad, she was there and tried to make up a story about the email. I think when she is around other family members, she will behave. Going out to dinner as a group may be the answer. She needs to grow up. She needs to "build a bridge and get over it!"
Do you think she is purposely trying to upset you enough so that you won't see your stepmom and dad? She has issues about you getting any kind of attention from them. She is insecure in herself. She has so much jealousy of your relationship with your dad.
It would be a loss for you if you didn't hook up with your dad. Don't let her get to you. Go out to dinner and socialize with you dad and stepmom. Life is too short to miss out on family. Perhaps someday, she will understand this!
PEACE
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
6 Mar 08
WOW!!! I really don't know what to say, twoey because you want to see you Dad, but your half-sister seems a bit off her rocker if you know what I mean..If you are a praying woman, I suggest you pray about it, see your family when they come back and hopefully the truth will come out or that at least the visit isn't too stressful..
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
6 Mar 08
I do pray and will pray about this and that the visit is a good one. She called me this morning and still says it is a hacker but I don't know. I'm keeping my guard up and going slow. We'll see how it goes.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
6 Mar 08
Yeah,I don't believe the hacker thing either, but then again you never know..
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
6 Mar 08
Wow...maybe she won't come to the visit...people like her are best to ignore if possible ...perhaps you could visit your Dad at a different time? Your half sister needs therapy but you can't really do much about that one...some people really hold grudges...avoiding them is the only solution if they are not willing to move on.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
6 Mar 08
We talked some this morning and she's still saying it was a hacker (her ex-b/f) but we'll see how things go between now and the visit. If there are still problems then I'll just avoid her when they come to visit.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
6 Mar 08
Every time I call my dad now and my half sister answers the phone I have to bite my lip not to start going off on her and I just talk to my dad. The fact that her and her kids live with him is why I won't be taking a trip down there to see him this year.
I was thinking I could go down still and just ignore her or maybe just take my dad out to dinner or something but the more I thought about it the more I realized that her presence would make the whole trip miserable for me.
I wouldn't go. I would make arrangements to meet my dad and step mom somewhere else while they were in or I would invite them over for dinner or something but I would not want to be around my half sister. I'm sure the relationship you have with each other is no surprise to your dad so maybe you can try talking to him about why you don't feel it is a good idea you and her be in the same room. See if he can offer other alternatives.
I've tried this with my dad and got from him the "you are both adults now and this was 15 years ago and you two need to just let it go" and so has she but he can see the tension between us when we have to be together for any specific event. Maybe your dad will be kind enough to spare you the high blood pressure.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
6 Mar 08
I do not think that would be a good idea cynicaland outspoken,it would show bad taste to just invite them and ignore the half sister,it would really stick out like a sore thumb and add coal to the fire.Its best to go to the orginal meeting place and act normal....
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
7 Mar 08
well, it is a bit complicated... for me, i will have a serious chat with your sister and ask her to bury the hatchet, forgive and forget everything and start afresh again... if she can't, then i will honestly tell her that i don't want to see her and i won't let her stay in my place... i will also have a chat with dad and stepmum and tell them what happened... i believe they will understand and help you out... i'm sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation... hope everything can be fixed soon... take care and good luck...
@GnosticGoddess (5626)
• United States
13 Mar 08
I think that you shouldn't stop her from seeing your dad and step mom because that's probably what she wants.
I would be as nice as you can to her and try to make the visit as pleasant as possible.
So I guess try to ignore it?
Good luck sweetie. And I hope your visit goes good regardless.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
11 Mar 08
This person sounds like a nutter, sorry, but that's the way I see it. She actually sounds a bit scary. Your step-Mom, Dad and half brother must all be aware of what she is like. This is how she is, it\ can't all be just directed at you.
I'd put the family in the picture, tell them about the recent emaiul and just say you want their help to keep the peace and you feel that keeping your distance is the best way to go. Assure them of your excitement and interest but tell them you don't wan to be the cause of things going wrong.
Good luck.
@mummymo (23706)
•
12 Mar 08
Sweetheart it is so sad that a marriage breakdown can cause pain that still touches you both even now! I am glad that you have worked your problems out and moved forward and I hope your sister can do the same! I guess I really wouldn't buy the hacker story either and it is sad that this has happened and that she wouldn't answer her phone! If I were you I would probably mail her and tell her I was sorry that your relationship was so bad when you were younger , that you were sorry for anything you had done that hurt her but you would really like to move on, build a relationship with her and get to know her a lot better. Let her know that you would love to spend time with her when they visit but only if she is comfortable with it and that you don't want to force things! The last thing I would do is speak to your Stepmom, these things always have a way of getting back to people and I don't think she would be open to bridge building if she thought you were talking to her Mom about her. Good luck sweetheart and I hope that you can both work things out - remember not to blame yourself for all of this though! xxx
@terri0824 (4991)
• United States
6 Mar 08
Wow! That was a long story. I would visit with your dad and step mom, and if she wants to visit with you then make yourself available. But if she wants to rehash the past, then politely walk away. At least you would be doing the most mature thing in this matter.
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
6 Mar 08
This is your family you are talking about and I think that you have as much right to see them as any other family member. If you get on with your brother, discuss with him your reservations about your step sister, but yo never know, things might be improved when you actually meet again. You don't say how log they're down for. But is there any possibility that you could see your Dad and Stepmom, alone? A family meal might be worth a try. You don't have to sit next to her, and it might just thaw, if not break the ice. You've got a few weeks. I would start with your brother. See what thoughts he has about a reunion.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
6 Mar 08
Their going to be here for a week so we'll see how it goes. I just talked to her on the phone and she is still saying she didn't send it, that it was an ex-b/f who set up the account but I don't know. She seems allright so we'll see how it goes.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
