when i say bedtime is at 7 that doesn't mean start getting ready at 7
By poppoppop111
@poppoppop111 (5731)
Canada
April 1, 2008 7:26pm CST
my daughter's father comes over once a week after he's done work and stays for an hour and a half until bed time. he knows my rules here. bed time is at 7, my daughter is 4 and gets up every day for school and has a hard time getting up in the mornings to begin with. for so long i tell him start getting her ready 20 minutes before and he tells me not to butt in he can handle it. so i don't say anything, but last week it was 7:20 and she still wasn't in pj's. he;s going on and on telling her to put them on and go to the bathroom and then it's story time. she doesn't listen to him and he gives empty threats and says stuff over and over again with out making her do it. she never acts like that with me, she respects what i tell her. anyway i got so frustrated i told him he had to go. then my daughter gets ready and says there's no story eh. i'm like no i'ts way past bedtime your not getting a story after procastinating. but her dad was still going to spend another 10 minutes while it's allready past bedtime to read to her.
sorry this is so long. it just bothers me that he lets her get away with everything and still rewards her with a story when she needs to go to bed on time cause then i'm doing more work with a grumpy kid in the morning.
should i make him leave before bedtime so i can do it cause she listens to me. this is stuff that has been going on for years. he seems to think he can wait til 2 minutes before bed to start when it takes him 30 minutes to do anything himself.
8 people like this
19 responses
@above31rubies (1863)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Tough situation. First of all, I think it is wonderful that you have a somewhat amicable situation going on with your girls father...that is uncommon and DIFFICULT to do.
I would tell him that he can A) have her in bed at 7 or B) come for an only and hour and YOU will put her to bed. If you feel bad about that, offer for him to come over a second evening each week- for the hour only.
Maybe you could ask him to read her a story at 6:30 before he leaves and then you will do the rest. Stinks you have to sort of give in to him that way, though, and let him off the hook of being responsible...but you won't change him, so change what you can I guess.
Good luck with however you decide is best to handle it.
2 people like this
@poppoppop111 (5731)
• Canada
4 Apr 08
thanks for the advice. i told him my concerns and told him he can stay if he puts his foot down with her and if he can make her go to bed on time he can stay but if this continues he'll have to leave 15 minutes early so i can get her to bed on time
@hitsman99 (42)
• Canada
2 Apr 08
I would suggest another night of the week. Other than that if he really wants to be a father he is going to have to learn to put his foot down. Kids need to know there are limits and they do respect them. But I don't see how he can ever hope to be a father while investing only 1.5 hours a week in his daughter.
@poppoppop111 (5731)
• Canada
4 Apr 08
he does get her every other weekend. he just comes one night a week for extra time. so he likes to come in the middle of the week to split the time up. so if he chooses to come in the middle of the week then he should understand to make her get enough sleep.
@sanell (2112)
• United States
2 Apr 08
oh that is a tough one, If my ex was coming over one time a week to spend time with his daughters, for me, It really would not matter when they went to bed, I know I may suffer in the AM but that time with his kids, and for my kids to have that time with their dad, I do not know. I think that it is GREAT that your daughter listens to you really well, it is SAD that she does not listen to her dad and I can understand it to be frustrating. Although at the same time, as long as she is respecting you, It may need to be suggested to him to be a bit better or to help you put her to bed, however. It is just a tough one, for me, If he was at least putting her to bed for me, I would take that and just let them be.
@poppoppop111 (5731)
• Canada
4 Apr 08
the problem is with school, she is 4 and can't funtion the next day at school if she goes to bed too late. the teacher says she is grumpy and too tired to do anything at school on those days, so it is really affecting her
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Sounds to me like he is trying to be the buddy. Could be because he isn't there all the time with her. Or he just wants to give in to her and make you look like the meanie. As for waiting til the last minute, that's kinda a guy thing. They all do it once in a while. To be honest woman can do that too. If he cannot follow the rules, let him know he can only stay an hour. Use the other 1/2 to get her ready for bed.
1 person likes this
@poppoppop111 (5731)
• Canada
2 Apr 08
well i don't care if he wants me to look like the meanie cause i know she respects me and what i say cause i see the way she treats him because of how he acts with her. thanks for the advice, that's what i was thinking of doing. cause she needs to be in bed on time she's not a morning person
@cinderella2007 (2662)
•
2 Apr 08
Maybe get her ready in pj's so that when her dad comes round she is ready for bed and you wont have the hassle of him making these empty threats. have a word with your daughter and ask her why she nevers does what her dad says when he comes round. There could be a reason why shes ignoring him!!
maybe change the day he comes round so that its not school night.
@magrylouyu (1627)
• United States
18 Apr 08
I wouldnt stop him from coming over completely. I would tell him he should try coming by after lunch time but before 3pm. Then he has a good 4 hours with his daughter. Then tell him you would like it if he would leave around 6:30pm so you can get her ready and into bed. That's what I would do. He could still read her a story just not for actual bedtime. Sounds like she really does love her daddy but she wants more time with him. Maybe he should also try to aim for a weekend too. That would really give her more time with him as well.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (94157)
• United States
2 Apr 08
I won't even pretend to give advice here because I'm single and have no children. I have no right to give advice, and no experience. But I do sympathize. My mother had the hardest time getting my sister and I to go to bed. At 9pm we were supposed to be in bed, and of course we took that as oh, 9pm, we better start getting ready for bed. Well, with a stern hand my mom started getting us on track. However, on occasions my dad would be in charge of that, and he was incredibly lax. He didn't really care what time we got into bed. After all, he didn't have to pull us out of bed in the mornings. After being the bad guy so many times when my dad would do nothing, she had a talk with him about it. I didn't know this until later, but she told him how hard it was on her, how she needed him to reinforce her decisions, and how ultimately my sister and I would respect both of them more if they showed a united front. Since your daughter's father does't live with you guys I know that probably isn't possible. You face an even harder job since he isn't there 24/7. But you sound like a really good mom, so I know whatever you do, you'll be right in it. : )
@aretha (2538)
• United States
2 Apr 08
i think its just men,they have no idea. i bet if he ha dto fight here to get up he would make sure she was in bed on time. my husbands the same way. my sons bedtime is 7:30 and he has to get up at6:45 i have no problems getting him up as long as hes in bed on time. my husband thinks he should stay up till 9 cuz hes really hyper when he gets home. i tried telling him its just built up energy from being in school all day but he thinks he gets to much sleep. so his father allowed him to stay up till nine for a couple days and i had the hardest time getting him up so last night i said nope your going to bed. his dad keep picking on him to keep him from going to bed as soon as i said fine your getting him up in the morning or hes not going to school till you take him cuz i know he'll miss the bus he let him go to bed. if they had to fight with them everyday they would think different about it.
1 person likes this
@mi2ok02 (406)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Sounds like you need to get him to leave earlier. It is counter-productive and it only affirms in your child that she can get away with stuff when it comes to her father. Also this explains why you two aren't together. Stick to your ground and make him leave earlier. Tell him, until he can follow the bedtime rule, he cannot stay to "tuck" her in.
@ayumitakashi (4462)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Well it seems to me that he is being really irresponsible. I see where your coming from when you are the one that has to get her ready in the morning. And it's hard to get little kids up in the morning and get them ready. But I think you need to talk to him and tell him how serious you are about this and how it is affectin you and your daughter, which I'm sure is affecting both of you guys. If he doesn't understand then he is gonna have to leave earlier because he is just destroying everything that you have taught her. Now she is listening to you but next thing you know she is not gonna listen to you like how she doesn't listen to him. Good luck with this and have a nice evening.
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
2 Apr 08
My husband does this too, he lets the kids do anything and everything as long as it doesn't bother him..I would talk to your husband and tell him that he should leave your home by 6:30 so that your daughter can settle down..
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
2 Apr 08
I would. If he can't abide by your rules then he can leave before she's to start getting ready for bed. She's not learning anything but that she can run over him any time she wants. It's YOU that has to deal with her in the morning, not him so yes I'd tell him to leave before she's to get ready for bed so she'll listen to you.
1 person likes this
@LouRhi (1502)
• Australia
2 Apr 08
Ground rules need to be firmly established from an early age.
Your daughter, like most children, is no dummy. She has worked out how take control of situations and her father is allowing this to happen. While he may feel he does not need to enforce what he says as he does not see her as often as you, discipline is always necessary.
Due to him not seeing the consequences of his actions (or lack of them) he is not likely to care to much.
In effect you need to maintain the same discipline and and expect the same behaviour for the father as you do your daughter.
You say that he makes empty threats to your daughter, yet what do you do him when he does not listen to your bedtime rule?
I hope that you are able to make him see reason. I know that it is a difficult situation to be in, I have been there as well!
~may in every way this be a special day~
1 person likes this
@goodhappens (671)
• United States
2 Apr 08
Dad definately needs dad time, but it seems to me that dad needs to get a grip as to what dad's are supposed to do, at this rate she will be walking all over him before she is 5 and that doesnt make for a good teenager. Try to explain concequences of his actions, it is only hurting her. If he is there he apparently wants to be a part of her life, which is a good thing, it hurts when little girls dont know their daddy or they think daddy doesnt want them, but dad has to be dad and not a doormat that will spoil her rotten. hope that helps.
@danishcanadian (28955)
• Canada
18 Apr 08
Since this has happened so many times and her father continually braks the rules of YOUR house, I think it is perfectly fair to make him leave twenty minutes before seven, and to stick with that. If he asks what's going on, or if she asks, tell them that when they're together at bedtime she stays up too late, so you're sending her father home so she'll go to bed on time.
@p3halliwel2005 (3156)
• Philippines
2 Apr 08
If her dad just comes once a week let the 7pm rule be extended for them. This is a kid maybe she is like that to her dad because she lacks more attention from him..maybe he just wants him to stay longer. She respects you more because you are always there and you both know each other more than she gets with her dad. She needs more of your understanding.
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
2 Apr 08
You know if I were in your place and this kind of struggle happens all of the time. Dad's time would end at 6:30. What your daughter is learning is that Dad can be pushed around and wrapped around her finger while you are in the back ground trying to enforce rules in place for everyones good. If he can not provide a untied front with you in her presence, then cut his time down. They can kiss and say good night half hour before her bedtime so her routine is not disrupted. Good luck with this.
1 person likes this
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
6 Apr 08
I think you should make him leave before bedtime. I think he is just trying to win her over, really. He does not have to deal with her day in and day out and fight with her in the m ornings to get her out of bed. He doesn't know what it is like.
