Husband unhappy with me staying home with kids
By foxrocks
@foxrocks (29)
United States
June 9, 2009 8:36am CST
I am a stay at home mom with three kids. My husband is always making comments to me about going to to work. We have always decided that it would be financially easier on us if I stayed home and went to work after the kid go to school. We have 2 more years before my youngest goes to school. My husband is always saying he is tired of the only one making money, that it must be nice to stay home and watch tv all day. I have a 12 year old that is involved in everything under the sun, a 5 year old with epilipsy, adhd, and pos/nos autism, and a 3 year old. I never have time to sit unless it's between the hours of 10pm and 3am. How should take his anger towards me staying home it is really getting me down? Any suggestions would be great. I also help take care of children to help make ends meet it just isin't consistent enough for him and when I do take care of kids he is upset that there are kids here all day.
8 people like this
31 responses
@shaggin (72141)
• United States
16 Jun 09
I know exactly how you feel. My husband doesnt say to often about how worthless I am because I am a stay at home mom but lol it does happen. I think anyone that goes to work thinks that staying home with the kids is a breeze. Its not at all! Its mentally and emoitionally hard but with the reward of not missing out on our childrens lives. I have been a stay at home mom for 5 years and I LOVE it! I thank god that I am married so I can stay home with my children even if I have to put up with a lot of criticism from my spouse. I babysit as well but not every day just when family or friends need me. I do a lot of stuff online like this for money but it takes a long time to earn anything and I don't really have enough time for ebay anymore. I never watch tv at all and I never really get more then like 2 minutes at a time to sit down. I do endless loads of laundry and clean up after the kids messes continously all day long!
1 person likes this
@ladym33 (10979)
• United States
14 Jun 09
I honestly don't see how you could possibly work a full time job with three kids, it would not economically feesable to pay for day care. Maybe you could start some kind of at home business. I started an at home business about 8 years ago, it allows me to stay home with my kids, and still bring in some money. I also write a lot on line to earn extra money. Perhaps you can do that and show your husband you can stay home and be a good mom and still bring in a little extra money. Keep writing here on mylot. Do it every day, post discusssions and answer a lot of discussions you will make a little money every month.
1 person likes this
@jessi0887 (2788)
• United States
9 Jun 09
I would have to agree that this is something alot of couples go through. I know I did. My fiance would come home after being at work expecting food to be ready and place to be clean up. At one point he asked what do you do all day when the place is not clean. Well my fiance had an eye opener a year ago that showed him how hard it is to be a stay at home mom. Now he loves me more then ever because he knows not only do i do a good job raising our child, but also worki part time and balancing everything else. Its hard to be a mom period. Its hard to be a stay at home mom. And its even harder to be a working mom.
1 person likes this
@Autumnrose2008 (1478)
• United States
9 Jun 09
My suggestion is to get a job that will work with you on your schedule. You need to work when you husband is at home so that he can take care of the kids. A few weeks of that and he should realize that as a homemaker you have a full time job and that he should be thankful that he is not having to pay you a wage. Or you could do what I did. I went on strike. If he cant realize how hard you work then for one week do nothing for him. No dinner make him make it. The only thing you should do is take care of the kids and make sure that they dont get hurt but let everything else fall on him. Maybe then he will realize that you have a full time job. Its called being a mother to his kids and doing a damn good job of it to. Not to mention you cook and clean and all those other things that mom's do. Your job is much harder than his is. I say let him do it for a week and see how he feels when the week is over.
1 person likes this
@sysdexlicwriter (1619)
• United States
9 Jun 09
We all go through this in marriage at one time or another. He is probably feeling the pressure of the bills. Who pays the bills in your family? He is probably also thinking of the days when it was just you and him and maybe misses his time with you. Every man thinks that staying at home is a piece of cake because when they come home there is very little of your responsibility that spills over on them. Even if this responsibility did fall over on him, he would not handle it in the same way you do because you have a deep emotional tie to it and he does not.
You are handling quite a package of work with the children. I only had one child and the schedule of running around with one child was daunting to say the least. Here are some things that may bring life back into balance for you first and then your husband.
1. Sit down with the 12 year old and be honest about the schedule and what is acceptable and what is not for the schedule. It is nice to be involved, but these things get bigger than life quickly. It does not hurt for the 12 year old to have some time for rest instead of constant activity. I am not saying to cut everything out, just get it in balance. You are the parent and your child will learn from you how to balance their time in a healthy way.
2. For the child that has the epilipsy, ADHD, autism, etc. this is a handful in itself. I have learned a lot from a book that my doctor gave me. While this does not have all the answers, it may help you for at least the epilipsy aned ADHD. It is "The Edge Effect" by Eric Braverman. Dr. Braverman is a neurologist and this book is really helping so many in our family. He is a fascinating man to glean information from. It is helping my nephew who has had epilipsy, gone through brain surgery, and still is on medication.
3. As for the three year old, maybe the 12 year old could spend some time with this sibling, which might teach sharing and giving instead of what do I get to do next.
All in all the basics are that a man needs to have his wife deeply respect him. This is a matter of your heart and can be done even in a busy schedule by a brief phone call and a compliment or an email that you noticed something about him that warmed your heart. Many times a man does not know he needs respect and does not know how to verbalize it. I will bet that with his constant complaining it is hard to get warm and fuzzy toward him emotionally. This is the beginning of shut-down. When is the last time that you have complimented him by setting time aside for him without the zoo in tow. I know that that is hard but he fell in love with you and you alone.
Finally, you need to have some positive things said to you about all that you do in a day and about what your future is. I learned a long time ago that I could get really frustrated waiting for my husband to say something and fishing for a compliment was not very gratifying. I have used this little trick and it has served me well in 32 years of marriage. It is a Bible related activity, so I do not want to offend you if you do not believe in God. If you would like I will further share this with you if you would like. If not, that is fine too. I have been a stay-at-home mom for most of my married life. My child is in her mid 20's and is still at home. We have issues too, but I can tell you that you will weather this storm (and it is a storm) and you will find a place of peace and love with your husband. All my best...
@foxrocks (29)
• United States
9 Jun 09
Thank you so much for your comments. If it were not for my deep faith in God I would not be able to make it each day. He is who supports me the most on the days when I feel like pulling out all my hair. :) I know his biggest fear is not being able to support the family and that is mine as well but having a special needs child can make everyday a battlefield and I keep reinforcing him things will get better just take things one hour at a time.
@sysdexlicwriter (1619)
• United States
9 Jun 09
I grew up with a sister who had Down's Syndrome and never talked or got beyond the 2-year-old level. I was nine or ten when she was born. This is not easy, but me and my sisters have been able to see over the years how much this whole thing has blessed us even though it was so very hard. My sister is very happy and still is alive despite what doctors said many years ago. I have also struggled with dyslexia along with my daughter for many years. We have been set free from all of this and that is why my name here is sysdexlic writer. There is always hope and God has a path for your challenged child and also the normal ones. A most excellent path.
Now this was hard for me to do at first because I thought it was sacrilegious. This has so blessed me and my marriage more than anything. I have read many books and listened to many sermons on marriage over 31.5 years. While they have all helped, this really put me over the edge. I opened my Amplified Bible and turned to the dreaded Proverbs 31:10-16. I don't ever remember meeting a woman that cared for this role model of what a woman should be. A minister's wife once told me that she metaphorically took some chewing gum and slammed it in between the pages of this chapter, never to read it again. My mother used to retort that sure this woman could do all these things, check out verse 15, she had maids.
Okay with all of that, guess where I ended up one day when feeling very discouraged with all the crap of life. You got it, Proverbs 31:10-16 Amplified version. I took these scriptures and put my name in them where it says "she" "her." I then put my husbands name where it says "husband" "he." Then I began to read it out loud to myself. [This is meditating (muttering, speaking) on God's Word. When you say it, your spirit hears it. Your spirit hears your voice differently than any other person on earth. This is why when you hear a recording of your voice it sounds so foreign to yourself. Your spirit listens to your words all the time. Give it some good words of who you are.] If you don't believe this, try it just for the fun of it and see if you feel uplifted by the time you get to the end verses when you say that your husband (his name) boasts of and praises you. Now look at verse 31, the fruit of your hands is being developed daily with your husband and children and you shall be praised.
After many times of confessing these scriptures over myself, I began to see the spiritual picture of all of this. The Bible has a much deeper meaning than this woman just worked her butt off and was super mom and wife and business woman. Look at verse 15 - how many times have we been woke up in the middle of the night and find ourselves talking with God about one thing or the other. Praying brings spiritual food, our maids are our angels as we speak the Word of God over our lives and they go out and do God's Word. Take a look at verse 18. It talks about her lamp not going out. Look for other references to lamps in the Bible. Your lamp does not go out because you have the oil of the Holy Spirit. God's Word is the lamp that guides us. Through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ you are already the Proverbs 31 woman. Verse 12 will rise up in you and you will truly be a woman whose works are praised in the gates (of the Holy city and your life today).
If you do not have an Amplified Bible, you can go to www.biblegateway.com, choose Amplified Bible from the pull down menu of Bibles and then type in Proverbs 31:10-16 in the search area. I will be blessed to hear how God imparts what these verses mean to you because the Holy Spirit gives us all a different flavor according to our individuality.
@Maryam27 (411)
• Pakistan
14 Jun 09
That's kinda stupid of your husband to think like that. Excuse me for saying this but this was the kindest word I could find for him.
Well I know it would be very difficult for you, specially when one of your kids is suffering from epilepsy. But I think you should start working now, just to avoid his constant sarcasm and let him know how things work! Let him bear this. See if you manage to get a job and start working as soon as you can.
That's what I would suggest, and I am only suggesting it because I know men are impossible! They always accuse women for nagging and stuff but they are no different! If they stuck on something and start thinking negative about it then it get impossible to change their thinking about it. That;s the only reason I am suggesting you this otherwise I would never ask you to leave your babies and go out to work, when they might need you more.
Wish you all the very best.
1 person likes this
@rapolu_cs (1184)
• India
11 Jun 09
Hi,aaaaaaaaaaaabig problembut i think you are doing your job in a right way aas amother and still he want you to work as if he is tired then my \
kind nformation is that if anyone is ready to take care of your kids among your family then you prefer working.Anyone what i intend is your husband also will come in that line,so all the best.
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
10 Jun 09
I wrote to you a little bit ago. I hate it when our husbands say things like that or the money is his because he works for it and it is not ours. That really just gets to me. Tell your husband that if you go to work then he has to share the other responsibilities with you. That if you work outside the home then it's not right for you to come home and do everything there by yourself too. That he would have to share it equally. You and he both work outside the home 8 hours. You take turns picking up and dropping off the kids where they will be going. The same with house work, he has to do his share.
He can cook one night and you another. If he wants it to be more on a equal order in his eyes then he must take on half of your duties at home.
I know this will not go over too well. He may agree at first, but you will have to make him hold to it. He will start slacking off.
I'm lucky now. I have a husband that knows I work my tail off at home. He has seen me.
The problem with men and them thinking that we do nothing at home, is that we do everything that we can before they come home. They don't see what we do and don't do.
I would suggest that you do what you can while he is at home, tell him that he must watch the children for you to do this and that. And he is not baby sitting his own children, he is sharing the responsibility of caring for them.
As you can see you have hit on a sore subject for me, lol.
I realized a long time ago, that the man thinks we do nothing because we do everything we can while they are at work so that when they come home all we have to do is serve dinner and clean up after that. Later we have to get the kids baths and put to bed.
So if we save as much as we can for when they get home, and do it then...they have to see some of hat we do. Let him know what you do everyday. It's not for him but for your to redeem yourself and not to hear crap about it anymore.
Tell him that the days off he has that he must do some of the things that you do, because you don't get any days off. He has to sweep and mop every floor or vacuum, clean the bathrooms, make the beds, do the dished after each meal. Cook meals.
We do not have a day off, even when we go on vacation, we do the same things, clean up after everyone, get the kids dressed, wait on husbands needs. Cook if we are in a cabin. Do the laundry, everything. The only thing we get a break from is the house and maybe cooking everyday.
Write some things down, many times they do not see it until it's on paper. What you say goes in one ear and out the other.
Do by example...which means he has to do your chores, or at least help you and share them on the weekends.
@mflower2053 (3223)
• United States
10 Jun 09
They should give husbands and wives a switch day. My husband thinks I sit on the computer all day long which I don't. My daughter uses it more then I do. Even if I ask him to keep an eye on the girls while I go out shopping he says something like I will go with you. So he doesnt' have to watch them. Not sure why they think it is so much easier on us to stay home. They have so much freedom they just don't get it. I can't even use the bathroom in peace without one of them getting into something or both fighting with one another.
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
10 Jun 09
not only that m, they come pounding on the door or start complaining through the door about what another one is doing or will not do. There's no peace even in the bathroom. lol
@jdyrj777 (6530)
• United States
10 Jun 09
Men!!! They havent a clue what goes on in a household during the time they are gone. Unless you are earning way more than the babysitter takes it makes no sence to work until they are all in school. If i were you when you do return to work, make sure you hold a family meeting about everyones new house chores. Have the list ready. I mean since you are going outside to work makes sence that all should now share in keeping the house in order.
@strawberrychocodahi (4818)
• Philippines
9 Jun 09
Why not tell your hubby to take care of the kids and you do the work, let's see which one is easier to do. But tell me, do you really wanted to work outside and let someone take care of the kids? Do you have any problems regarding working outside aside from earning at home.
Because for me, i don't mind if i work because i got used to it and I am competent enough to make it through even if my hubby doesn't want me to work, i still insist. But the thing is, he doesn't want me to work here and he said he would better break his back rather than i work outside. Hhmmmm sound convenient to others, but i also wanted to help that is why i still pursue even if i make money online, i still wanted to earn more for our future.
It will always be a team, both of you help each other. But if your husband is already begging you to look for a job, then do it, if it is not a problem for you to get someone to look after the kids. For me, i don't like to be dependent on someone. I also need to be independent and able to earn money and buy things on my own.
@Ritchelle (3790)
• Philippines
18 Nov 09
maybe your husband is just tired and pressured to provide for 5 mouths to feed including his. it sure is a difficult position you've both decided to embark on with having the decision to have 3 kids and not really being sure what their health would be after bringing them in this world. don't get me wrong, here 
. just let your husband complain. there is nothing anyone can do about it anyway. except ignore it. it'll pass, of course. children don't stay chidlren forever.
. just let your husband complain. there is nothing anyone can do about it anyway. except ignore it. it'll pass, of course. children don't stay chidlren forever. @ezekiel71 (132)
• United States
10 Jun 09
i believed your husband dont have the idea of how exhausting it is being home all day and doing all household choir plus kids. Most men dont realize that. I am a mom too with two year old son, and he is everywhere, pulling down everything , scattering everything and i never get done in doing things and how much more in your situation with 3 kids.My husband and i take time taking care of our son because he knows how hard it is (he actually experienced it when i let him stay home and i worked) I think your husband need to have a taste of it , because having an experience will help you understand better.
@foxrocks (29)
• United States
10 Jun 09
I agree most days I am just worn out from just trying to clean up the mess that there is little time for anything else. I know on his day off he does see how hard it is but I think when he is at work all he can think about is that I am at home and he is working and maybe it is more of a jealousy thing that he has to go out and do something and we are all at home.
@jules2653 (74)
• United States
22 Jun 09
My ex husband was the same way. My dad actually saw all of the work that I was constantly doing and he said that I wasn't appreciated. My ex was verbally abusive so he was always throwing punches. Whenever I would look for a job, he would find something wrong with it. Sometimes, you can't win. Childcare is very expensive....
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
10 Jun 09
Hand all of the house duties over to him one day and leave the house. Let him do the running the kids around, cleaning, cooking and everything else that goes along with taking care of kids. This should change his attitude toward the whole thing.
You may also look into using coupons and taking advantage of rebate offers to save a little money. You could also check into maybe keeping one or two children to make a little money on the side or even becoming a licensed home daycare. Then he couldn't continue to give you a hard time about him being the only one making money. If you were to pay for child care for two or three kids most of your paycheck would be gone. Then you have to factor in the gas and maintenance on the vehicle and cost of clothing for work. Not to mention when mom works outside of the home some families tend to eat supper out more during the week.
Your husband needs to learn how to appreciate what you do all day. It is hard to have someone who doesn't support you in what you're doing, whether it be a job outside of the home or the job of being a full time mom. Regardless of how people look at it being a stay at home mom is a full time job. It's a job with no days off, no sick days, no paycheck other than the rewards we see from it, and many times no appreciation.
@mikeysmom (2088)
• United States
10 Jun 09
i am in the same situation. when i stopped working when my son was 4 1/2 because i felt like he was growing so fast and i was missing his childhood my husband was all worried and felt like he could not handle the financial burden himself. i planned on leaving my job so i had started doing things to make it easier like refinancing our mortgage and consolidating all our credit cards etc. since i have been home for the last 4 years i have contributed to the household earnings in any way i can while still being a stay at home mom because i do not want strangers raising my son and putting him in harms way. i do online surveys, product testing, babysitting and the bookkeeping work for his business so we do not have to pay an accountant to do it. plus i enrolled us in discount plans for our electric bill, gas bill and water bill because we qualify and i cut coupons and on on but it is never enough and he always complains and puts me down like i do nothing. i am so overwhelmed with responsibilities because he does nothing to pitch in around here and never has. all he does is go to work and then he comes home and lays down like he does not have a care in the world. ask your husband who is going to take care of all you do if he expects you to go back to work and who does he expect to watch your children during the summer months and how much of yor salary would actually have to go to childcare. also one day take a notebook and write down every little thing you do even if it is just pouring a drink for one of your kids and hand it to him at the end of the day so he can see how much you do and then ask him how much of that burden he is willing to take on when you go back to work as everything will have to be split down the middle. see if he doesn't shut up about it then.
@psychotaz206 (2086)
• United States
10 Jun 09
the only thing i can say to you is tell him you may mot get money for your job but you do have the most important job in the world and one that never ends and that is taking care of the children. see i don't have that problem mine is the oppisit every time i say the words me and work there is a problem because my husband strongley believes that i should not work that my job is taking care of our 4 children plus i am disabled but he always says it's his job to take care of me and the children when it comes to money and things and sometimes it just drives me nuts. my oldest son who is 11 has adhd,odd,bipolar,depression and a few other things so i know how you feel there. but he needs to understand that taking care of children is hard and when 1 has a problem then it's even harder and that you are the only one that knows your children and can take care of them the best, maybe if you talk to him about how you feel.
@scarletwitch12 (562)
• Philippines
10 Jun 09
I think your husband is venting more than being unhappy about you not working. There really are times when people feel like they were given the worst slice of cake in life and are bent on commenting how easy it must be for some people even if at the back of their minds they have a vague idea that it may be just as hard for others.
I guess you better talk to him about it. It is true that life is harder now with the economy crashing and what not. When my boyfriend and I started talking about our lives together, I always know it would be easier for us if I also worked. But then again it is different for everybody. If your husband really feels it is better for you to go back to work then maybe it wont be too bad if you did. I agree with you that sometimes it is a lot easier to go to work than to stay at home and attend to kids (especially if they have special needs as your little angels do).
I truly wish you all the best!
@flaviodelgeto (6)
• United States
10 Jun 09
I don't know where to begin - Can you get help for the 5 year old or by being married does your husband make too much ?- Try SSI. Next by having the 3 yr old try to get certified for child care in your county/parish this way you get paid for your kids as well as the others because now you would get vouchers depending on where you live. So ,try to get a check for the 5 yr old and start your own day/afterschool care. And as far as kids in the house all day I mean he has to realize he's got 3 so if 3 have 1 friend over that makes what ? 6 and with a teen in the house oh that's 10 all day-he shoulda thought of that when he was making them.
@unicorn4154 (153)
• Malaysia
10 Jun 09
maybe financial matter does concern your hubby..but if you choose staying with your child, i think its very good decision.if both of you go for working, your child will lost their half time with you. its really sweet when you see them grow up in front of your eyes..
