Joke of the day. (^_^)

A man left work one friday afternoon. but being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and didn't see his wife. Tuesday and wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her out of the corner of his left eye.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good tie at the party, so she came home warly, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dinning room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said. "Take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if i ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale." After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it. The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city , you can sell it to him for Rs50." The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !!

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approachedm they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. :Father." he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancee, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feetm and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." No problem." said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, dedided to take her problem up her mom. :Mom," she said, "when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of the bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brush your teeth. Not a word, :her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice rach had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quire well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, tha husband wakes witha start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thiking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh no!" he gasped in shock, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... 22 miles an hour," the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer," she says. "We just got off Route 119!"