RussTeed

@RussTeed (1498)

United States • Age 59

Joined myLot 8 years ago

I am an amazing idiot and I prove daily.

politicsrighthere.blogspot.com/

RussTeed's Discussions

Don't Stop Believing

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 25 Jun 16

I was playing "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey on my cell phone on my porch last night. I was singing along boisterously and I remembered most of the words. Suddenly, a group of neighbors approached me as they sang along with...

10 responses •

12 people

Are Handicapped Folks Spoiled?

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 12 Jun 16

Today I saw 12 handicap parking spaces at Home Depot for all those do-it-yourselfers that cannot walk. Why do they get all the best parking spots? Their arms need exercise just like everyone else needs exercise. Plus, a little...

happy birthday

birthday cake

birthday

8 responses •

10 people

Worst Attempt At Humor - Ever!

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 9 Jun 16

My pet peeve is the worst of them all. Yes, Peeve is my pet stick's name. He doesn't listen to anything I tell him, or her. I looked everywhere, I cannot decipher its gender. Maybe it's a gender-neutral stick. Oh boy,...

family tree

roots

branch out

32 responses •

36 people

A Mime Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 24 May 16

I walked up to a mime today and threw my hot coffee at him. I think I scalded his eyeballs. I could tell when he screamed, "You scalded my eyeballs!" I said, "OMG, he can talk! It's a miracle! I'm a miracle maker!" You know, I...

12 responses •

11 people

Cat Stuck In A Tree

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 21 May 16

I went into a flower shop today and I said to the woman, "Hi, do you have flowers for people that mess up? Not me, it's for a friend." She said, "What did your friend do?" "Why did you wink your eye when you said 'friend' just...

9 responses •

10 people

I Solved America's Bathroom Controversy!

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 17 May 16

Yes, I got Congress to solve the unambiguous bathroom issue. I wrote my idea to representative Paul Ryan and they ran with it. They just declared that a new human right has been voted into law and every American will be provided...

animals

candy

cats

20 responses •

20 people

Advice To Women

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 13 May 16

Note to women - if you don't want an idiotic, unintelligent, incomprehensible, factually incorrect, incoherent response, then don't ask a man any questions, EVER!

incoherent response

biological

mouse trapeze

14 responses •

13 people

I Got A Huge Promotion!

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 5 May 16

I just got a huge promotion today! Oh, how I have worked tirelessly for this big move. Things like this never happen to me, until now! Get this; you are now looking at the "Every Other Wednesday From 2:00 PM to 2:30 PM On Odd...

fire alarm

coffee brandy

beer

13 responses •

12 people

Men, Women, Who Has It Tougher?

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 4 May 16

Why do women think they have it bad in life? Men have walk through life not knowing what you women think, want or need. We cannot pick up on hints or Innuendo's, we cannot foresee problems with what we say, and God help us if a...

bobcats

botanist

piano player

7 responses •

8 people

How To Destroy A Perfectly Good Hamburger

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 2 May 16

Place your selection of ground cow on the grill and then light the grill. Press down on the burger at 15 times and flip it the same number of times to ensure it is bone dry. When you are done, and the grease fire is extinguished,...

8 responses •

7 people

How To Make Homemade Wine

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 30 Apr 16

I was in my lab again working on a quick way to make homemade wine. Eureka! I did it! First, I ate a fistful of ripe red grapes. Next, I swallowed a solution of water and instant yeast. Then, I did cartwheels for ten minutes to...

elephant housing issues

banana soup

car explosion

9 responses •

9 people

Huge Disappointment, SMH...

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 27 Apr 16

I sat down in a chair outside and tied myself down good and tight. I had some peanuts and coffee at my side. I put the life preserver on the other side. I didn't order dinner, I wasn't sure I would survive. Then, I pulled out my...

ostrich farm

gorilla soup

chocolate covered ants

sponge

cake

8 responses •

7 people

Yard Work - LOL

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 26 Apr 16

I was doing some yard work today but I didn't get mulch done. My personal 'check engine' light came on. so I put duct tape over it like I do in my cars. Then I got lubed up with some hooch. I'm fired up on all cylinders, and now...

7 responses •

6 people

My Scientific Breakthrough!

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 24 Apr 16

I have been working tirelessly in my lab for weeks and I have come up with two ground-breaking conclusions. The work was tedious, but my tenacious will for discovery pushed me to the finish line. So, below my two conclusions. 1)...

9 responses •

8 people

Cat-astrophe In My Bed

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 17 Apr 16

I did a cannon ball on my water bed today. When I looked upward, I noticed my cat was stuck to the ceiling, woopsy? Like a cat-a-pult, it was an uplifting experience indeed. Eight lives, and counting. Note to self: I need a...

10 responses •

11 people

My Family Adores Me

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 14 Apr 16

I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful family. Ah yes, they say there truly is nothing like quality family time. That's why my family kicks me out of the house for a few hours so often. I have Tootsie Rolls and a kitten, so...

6 responses •

8 people

I Met A One-Eyed Woman Today

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 13 Apr 16

I caught a one-eyed woman undressing me with her eye today. I yelled "STOP" because I felt so cheap, so used. She said, "I'm not deaf, moron!" I'm pretty sure she had 20/ vision, but I had to see. I ripped off her patch and...

8 responses •

8 people

My Son The BIG Fat Liar – LOL

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 12 Apr 16

Me- Where did you learn this behavior of telling the most inane fictitious stories of pointless mishaps and mayhem just to draw attention to yourself, young man? Him- (silence… head hung low...) Me- I want an answer right...

12 responses •

10 people

I Nearly Suffocated Today!

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 11 Apr 16

When I woke up his morning in my Garanimals, there were seven pillows over my head, a sock was lodged in my mouth, and the blanket somehow had my hands knotted behind my back. The sheet was coiled tightly around my neck and I...

coffee brandy

coconut

paradise

33 responses •

36 people

This Is For The Birds!

RussTeed @RussTeed (1498) • United States 10 Apr 16

I saw two birds fighting on my deck this morning. When I took a closer look, they weren't fighting at all! They were... making birds! I said, "Get a nest you stinking birds!" And, "Hey buddy, why the long face? LOL LOL!" They...

bird

somersault

long face

11 responses •

11 people